Crazy old lady

 

Yesterday I was talking my coach at school and as the words were coming out of my mouth I realized...

I have turned into a crazy old lady obsessed with her dog.

Last Monday I took the puppy to pup school with a bow in her hair. 

Sometimes I dress her up. 

Most of the time I am coming home to just her.

There are thousands of pictures on my phone of the dog.

All I talk about is the puppers.

I am 41 years old and I have turned into an empty nester that has a co-dependent relationship with an animal.

All I can do is sit at the table this morning and drink my coffee and shrug....I should probably be wearing a terry cloth pink robe with rollers in my hair. Because that is where my life is at...

"Totally healthy," I whisper to myself as I take another picture...

Just replace these cats with my puppy and you have found me...*sigh*

 

What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been….

 

In mid November I left a job that had me crying every day. I had no plan, no next steps, and no back up plan. I just walked away. I took the entire month of December off. I turned down or left three jobs. One of which was paying me more money than I ever thought I would make. At times I felt like I was walking in a fog. There were days I did not shower, I stayed in  jammies, and I just sort of laid on my couch. Waves of stress, depression, hope, fear, worry, and hope would wash over me. 

Did I mention I had no plan?

On a whim I applied for a position I had somehow overlooked despite my constant scouring. 

When I hit apply I knew that I would get this job. 

Days later I had a phone screening then an interview. The job is almost 100 miles away from where I am living right now. 

I searched housing. There was a house I loved. Clear view of the mountains. 

When I hit apply I knew I would get the house. 

Yesterday I picked up my keys.

I should feel overwhelmed, nervous, and scared.

I do not.

There is a plan for me.  A plan for my life. Something bigger than I can ever dream. When I try to make my own path it never works. I can list all the times deep down I knew I shouldn’t take the steps. I resist what I should be doing. Who I should have in my life. 

When I let go. It just happens. I can count the times I have done this and felt pure joy. I can’t keep track of the times I have not and hit walls and been in the dark.

I sit in my house, surrounded by boxes and mess. Drinking a cup of coffee, smiling at my puppy. Ready to head to Colorado Springs. Ready to again be Assistant Principal.

I am ready. 

Not because I have prepared. I am ready because I know this is the road to take.

This new chapter is built on faith and trust. Control and dictation have been removed. It is going to be amazing. 

Closure

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Left, Right, Middle to the Last Kiss

 Last Kiss

Sitting at the table like every morning drinking all the coffee and listening to music. Funny how you can hear songs over and over but never really hear them.

One part of the song keeps replaying in my mind:

You might be the last person on Earth that I will ever kiss.

Heard this song tons, but this morning…whoa...

That is one heavy sentence. 

Since resigning from my job and really stepping back and reflecting on dating, love, careers, life…

I am still sort of lost, confused, scratching my head.

I have had so much time to think... Too much time to think.

My mind has been reeling on past relationships, past love. What path to take. What level of a comfort zone do I want to live in? Am I going to be brave? Am I going to have that courage that whispers or roars?

To find that person that is the last person on Earth to ever kiss?? That takes some guts.

Do I go back to the old ways? Past relationships? Take the easy way?

I mean that is comfortable. I know what the risk/cost is on that path.

The fork in the road is resonating. 

Take the left, middle, right??

Where is my map? My compass? My fancy Garmin watch that will lead me.

I think I am extra guarded because I made a change, and it bit me in the butt…. So now I’m all skittish. 

Just staring at that path.. Thinking about the weight of the last person to kiss…the weight of major career changes.

Is this what a mid-life crisis is?? 

Because baby I am telling you... This whole empty nester, career revelation, looking for love journey is tricky.

Why can’t I just get hair transplants and a fancy sports car instead???

Trying to choose a path for the next chapter…

Patience in Love

 My mentality has always been: work hard to achieve or obtain what you want

. 

For the most part this mantra has really worked for me.

Except for love. 

Insert a mini tantrum here:

It’s not fair. I have done the work. I have been motivated to put time and effort into who I am and how to navigate relationships. I have worked really, really hard. (Imagine foot stomping, pouty face, whiny voice)

Yet, I do not see the love looming around the corner. It is something I can’t seem to “achieve” and it requires patience.

SOOOO MANY PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!

For now I will concentrate and manifest the love I want in my life. It looks and feels and sounds like:

• Safety

• Being taken care of

• Listening

• Supporting

• Kindness

• Laughter

• Building a home together

• Coming home to where I belong

• Communication

• Time

• Presence

• Understanding

• Goofiness

• Long hugs

• Cups of coffee

• Trust

• Integrity

• Determination

• Grit

• “Good Mornings”

• “You are important to me”

• Head scratches

• Cooking dinner

• Dancing in the kitchen

• Supporting dreams

• Comfortable

• “What can I do?”

• “How can I help?”

• “I feel______”

• Smiles that creep in

• Eye rolls 

• Smirks

Working hard, waiting, manifesting, hoping, and believing that it takes hard work, but also belief and patience for the love to come. 

I really, really can’t wait to write this chapter. (But I have to wait!!!)

Gratitude for the Girl

 Gratitude, Thankfulness, Appreciation…

Sitting and drinking coffee in reflection.

It was almost one year exactly my daughter was in the ER for days as we waited for mental health treatment….

Thankfully, in a year she has finished high school, started college, continues to work, has an amazing art therapist, and lives with roommates.

In one year, she has accomplished all of this. I look at her (and despite my feelings about the black hair) I am proud of her resiliency, but not surprised.

She comes from a line of maternal strength. Her aunts, grandmothers, cousins, are tough. They have tenacity and grit to overcome any obstacle and challenge.

So again, I am not surprised. 

For those who may not know Lauren well she is fierce, beautiful, creative…

As a little kiddo she could connect with people, she could strike up conversations with anyone. She was pretty independent. 

Lauren wanted to be Word Girl..a Spy.. a Sea Otter for Halloween..

Lauren would write songs and play them on her pink guitar and then as she got older on her violin.

My daughter could do so much more than I could... She showed so much more confidence. 

She performed, she swam, she created art.

I am in awe of her and so grateful for her.

I look at her now… unique fashion, her love of concerts, her piercings, tattoo, and even black hair and am so proud of her.

Proud of her for not giving up, for being true to who she is, for her amazing art and musical talents.

It has been a rocky road at times. Scary. Sad. Overwhelming.

However, she perseveres. She keeps going. 

This Thanksgiving I am so very, very thankful for my daughter. 

Looking forward to the chapters she creates in her story....

Starting Over

 Starting Over

The other day I was in a special education classroom, and I watched a 2nd grade girl with Down Syndrome build with blocks. A kindergartner with Downs swooped in and knocked over the structure. The little girl took a moment to gasp, but then paused and patted the boy and said, “it’s ok.”

I did not expect her reaction. I assumed she would be upset and frustrated at the thought of starting over.

She did not. Instead, she gave compassion and grace and simply started rebuilding.

Wow. 

The memory hit hard this morning.

Starting over…

In the moment it can feel so hard. So defeating. So heartbreaking.

I remember that after my divorce. Sitting in my townhome, alone. Looking around thinking “I have to start over. This was years ago, and I am still sitting in my home, alone, continuing to build. 

I have worked hard to build my career. In the last 5 years I have crushed all the goals. 

• Assistant Principal

• Principal 

• Sped Coordinator

• Doctoral Program 

Today I resigned from my job. A job that has been a goal…a dream since I worked for the Midland County Head Start in 2004 and met Paula Reinker at the ESA.

A goal that has been almost 20 years in the making and I am stepping away.

The blocks have toppled down.

Do I feel like a failure? 

Am I heartbroken?

Was this one of the hardest decisions I have made?

YES

YES

YES

So here I sit surrounded by all these blocks strewn across my life. I do not have a Plan B. I do not have a new job I am going to start. I am not making a vertical move in the career path.

I am literally sitting here with one block in my hand not sure what to create, where to start, what the foundation should be.

Despite this, my heart knows.

It knows that this was what needed to happen.

I have cried daily for the last 6-8 weeks.  Driving to a place that continually pulls my morals, values, and heart work. A place that made me question myself, made me doubt myself, and at times made me feel like I was actually losing my mind.

I was becoming someone unrecognizable. 

I was losing my resilience, grit, determination, and passion.

So, I will start over. I will let go. I will accept rebuilding. 

I will be like my little friend and whisper, “it’s ok.”

Because it is. And it will be. 

I will write a new chapter. This one is over. 

**** This is the final poor Jen, post.  Stay tuned for the Part 2 of the Story.  Plot Twist!