Starting Over

 Starting Over

The other day I was in a special education classroom, and I watched a 2nd grade girl with Down Syndrome build with blocks. A kindergartner with Downs swooped in and knocked over the structure. The little girl took a moment to gasp, but then paused and patted the boy and said, “it’s ok.”

I did not expect her reaction. I assumed she would be upset and frustrated at the thought of starting over.

She did not. Instead, she gave compassion and grace and simply started rebuilding.

Wow. 

The memory hit hard this morning.

Starting over…

In the moment it can feel so hard. So defeating. So heartbreaking.

I remember that after my divorce. Sitting in my townhome, alone. Looking around thinking “I have to start over. This was years ago, and I am still sitting in my home, alone, continuing to build. 

I have worked hard to build my career. In the last 5 years I have crushed all the goals. 

• Assistant Principal

• Principal 

• Sped Coordinator

• Doctoral Program 

Today I resigned from my job. A job that has been a goal…a dream since I worked for the Midland County Head Start in 2004 and met Paula Reinker at the ESA.

A goal that has been almost 20 years in the making and I am stepping away.

The blocks have toppled down.

Do I feel like a failure? 

Am I heartbroken?

Was this one of the hardest decisions I have made?

YES

YES

YES

So here I sit surrounded by all these blocks strewn across my life. I do not have a Plan B. I do not have a new job I am going to start. I am not making a vertical move in the career path.

I am literally sitting here with one block in my hand not sure what to create, where to start, what the foundation should be.

Despite this, my heart knows.

It knows that this was what needed to happen.

I have cried daily for the last 6-8 weeks.  Driving to a place that continually pulls my morals, values, and heart work. A place that made me question myself, made me doubt myself, and at times made me feel like I was actually losing my mind.

I was becoming someone unrecognizable. 

I was losing my resilience, grit, determination, and passion.

So, I will start over. I will let go. I will accept rebuilding. 

I will be like my little friend and whisper, “it’s ok.”

Because it is. And it will be. 

I will write a new chapter. This one is over. 

**** This is the final poor Jen, post.  Stay tuned for the Part 2 of the Story.  Plot Twist!