What a Long, Strange Trip It’s Been….

 

In mid November I left a job that had me crying every day. I had no plan, no next steps, and no back up plan. I just walked away. I took the entire month of December off. I turned down or left three jobs. One of which was paying me more money than I ever thought I would make. At times I felt like I was walking in a fog. There were days I did not shower, I stayed in  jammies, and I just sort of laid on my couch. Waves of stress, depression, hope, fear, worry, and hope would wash over me. 

Did I mention I had no plan?

On a whim I applied for a position I had somehow overlooked despite my constant scouring. 

When I hit apply I knew that I would get this job. 

Days later I had a phone screening then an interview. The job is almost 100 miles away from where I am living right now. 

I searched housing. There was a house I loved. Clear view of the mountains. 

When I hit apply I knew I would get the house. 

Yesterday I picked up my keys.

I should feel overwhelmed, nervous, and scared.

I do not.

There is a plan for me.  A plan for my life. Something bigger than I can ever dream. When I try to make my own path it never works. I can list all the times deep down I knew I shouldn’t take the steps. I resist what I should be doing. Who I should have in my life. 

When I let go. It just happens. I can count the times I have done this and felt pure joy. I can’t keep track of the times I have not and hit walls and been in the dark.

I sit in my house, surrounded by boxes and mess. Drinking a cup of coffee, smiling at my puppy. Ready to head to Colorado Springs. Ready to again be Assistant Principal.

I am ready. 

Not because I have prepared. I am ready because I know this is the road to take.

This new chapter is built on faith and trust. Control and dictation have been removed. It is going to be amazing. 

 Will the Other Shoe Drop?

I am in a really good spot in my life right now. My daughter is doing well, my job is challenging but rewarding, my health is starting to move forward, I am learning to be financially stable, I am emotionally stable.

So why then do I hold my breath? Waiting for something to blow up? Cautious and disbelieving?

I think when you grow up unstable and run into obstacles turn after turn your brain becomes programmed to anticipate the bad. I think you also start to look for ways to self-sabotage the good, to keep looking for something….anything to create havoc in your utopian stage. 

I hate that. I don’t want to do that.  I want to breathe. I want to give up control. I want to soak in the seconds of happiness and bliss.

I want to kick off the shoe that I think might drop and instead prance even dance around barefoot. 

So how then do I reprogram my brain to do just that?

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

To me that can be a bad, bad word. It takes so much to trust. Trusting yourself, others, the cosmos, universe, etc.

If I give up control and just trust, then something is going to happen.

I could get hurt.

I might have to breathe, go with the flow.

I could get hurt.

Over the years I have practiced the art of numb. I have let guards and walls up. I have not opened my heart to trust the journey…trust the process…to see what happens.

Control equates safety. Trust is an unknown.

So, this chapter I am slowly working on that thing. 

Thank big ol’ scary TRUST.

And if the other shoe drops, I guess that means it is time to go shoe shopping!