Patience in Love

 My mentality has always been: work hard to achieve or obtain what you want

. 

For the most part this mantra has really worked for me.

Except for love. 

Insert a mini tantrum here:

It’s not fair. I have done the work. I have been motivated to put time and effort into who I am and how to navigate relationships. I have worked really, really hard. (Imagine foot stomping, pouty face, whiny voice)

Yet, I do not see the love looming around the corner. It is something I can’t seem to “achieve” and it requires patience.

SOOOO MANY PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!

For now I will concentrate and manifest the love I want in my life. It looks and feels and sounds like:

• Safety

• Being taken care of

• Listening

• Supporting

• Kindness

• Laughter

• Building a home together

• Coming home to where I belong

• Communication

• Time

• Presence

• Understanding

• Goofiness

• Long hugs

• Cups of coffee

• Trust

• Integrity

• Determination

• Grit

• “Good Mornings”

• “You are important to me”

• Head scratches

• Cooking dinner

• Dancing in the kitchen

• Supporting dreams

• Comfortable

• “What can I do?”

• “How can I help?”

• “I feel______”

• Smiles that creep in

• Eye rolls 

• Smirks

Working hard, waiting, manifesting, hoping, and believing that it takes hard work, but also belief and patience for the love to come. 

I really, really can’t wait to write this chapter. (But I have to wait!!!)

I Need What?!

I Need What?!?!?

Talk about a life altering learning moment this week. On Wednesday I was taking a long walk to reset my brain. During these walks I enjoy listening to podcasts. Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us is back from summer break and the episode I chose featured the Gottman’s speaking on the Love Prescription. 

(I love Brene and the Gottman’s. If you have no idea what  I am speaking of please google ASAP.)

Cruising along on my walk and about 15 minutes into listening I am crying. Big, real tears just rolling on down. 

<---Walking, crying, staring at this view

This piece of the cast was on “giving and receiving love.” 

Julie Gottman’s voice, “sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

Pause and rewind right there…

“Sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

These people have gone through life acting as though they have no needs…so when someone suggests you need love your wall gets higher and thicker. 

Julie Gottman, you don’t know me….

How dare you suggest I need love.

Little louder for those in the back…

HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GIVE ME SOMETHING I DO NOT NEED?!

Julie goes on to discuss the feelings that arise when someone suggests they want to give you love because you have been pretty successful at hiding the particular need.

I relistened to that one-minute segment 7 times on my walk. 

That is me, my brain screams to me. 

THAT. IS. ME.

The last 15ish years of my life has been about understanding people. I was a therapist for Pete's sake. Why? Why am I just having this epiphany at 40 years old???

Nothing has worked..failed marriage, sporadic dating, yet my heart has never allowed me to think aloud or believe that I need love. 

I take care of myself, I am independent, I am strong willed, I am resilient.

Despite that I need love?

I need love?

I need it?

No longer a question in my mind.

I need love.

Period.

No longer a question but a statement. 

One I do not yet have the courage to say aloud, but that I am giving permission to sit in my heart and in my brain.

And learning that the  need is ok…

However, terrifying it is to no longer hide.

Yikes…

Here comes a page turner…big chapter..Happy Ending??? (Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves ;)

Walls

The dictionary has tons of definitions for the word, "wall"

    A thick masonry structure...that provides defense

    A structure that provides defense

    A layer enclosing space

    Something that acts a barrier or defense

I like a nice solid brick wall..it is appealing  the eye, it is sturdy and strong, it is protective...

Walls make me feel safe.

Walls

Make

Me 

Feel

Safe.

Interestingly, walls can get knocked down. Wind, weather, machinery, a sledgehammer...all things that can break down even the strongest structure.

Love..

Love can also break down walls. 

Vulnerability.

Vulnerability can break down walls too.

My heart, my feelings, my thoughts love sturdy, brick walls. They hunker down inside the walls and sit feeling protected and unharmed.

Seems like it would be good thing.

However, inside the walls is also loneliness, isolation, fear, and shame. 

Lately my walls have been shaken, bricks have fallen down, foundations have been cracked.  I find my feelings, thoughts, and my heart have even had the courage to crawl over the walls. Sometimes they even leave the yard within the walls. Day by day they venture slightly further out.

They are learning to get stronger.

They are learning not to retract.

They are learning to use the bricks from the wall to create a paved path instead. 

Bricks that create sturdy walls are heavy though. It is a long process to take one down and use it to reconstruct a new road.

Patience.

Things that are strong, sturdy, and indestructible take....

Time.