Gold Stars

The last day of the year always seems to require thought and reflection. This morning I scrolled through Facebook reading over everyone's memories of the past 12 months. As I sit here and drink coffee and stare at my fire I too reflect.

The same mental image keeps running through my mind.

Gold stars.
Those shiny ones teachers use for reward charts.


Today, this last day of 2018 I reflect not only on the last 12 months, but more so on the past..maybe even the last 36 years.

I was numb for a long time. Gold stars were my feeling.

Good grades, positive affirmations from teachers, compliments, a gift. These were my gold stars. These were my feelings. These were my pieces of validation.

It is why school became my place a refuge. The better grades I got, the more activities I belonged to, the more gold stars I built up.

The numb feeling built up, but my piles of gold stars also grew.

Fast forward to the last 5 years or so.

The numbness turned to anger. So much ANGER.

This led to needing and wanting more Gold Stars.

Throw myself into work, seek out the praise through being the best, yet being so mad at everyone who did not keep out.

Developing the most unhealthy yearning for compliments and verbal validation from anyone around me.

The obsession with gold stars manifested. Along with the anger. I was so numb, so cold and stony. So very unhappy.

2018. The year of Feeling.

Anger slowly began to fall away.  It was replaced by big feelings. Raw feelings.

Fear, Loneliness, Peace, Gratitude, Hope, and Joy.

But best of all this led to releasing the Gold Stars.

Current Status:

I am closing out 2018 in a good place, full of feelings, and without a single gold star.

I work at school that brings me true joy.
I parent Lauren without comparison or fear, but instead with realness.
I let go of the yearning for attention, praise, and validation from others.

All the gold stars are stuck on the pages of the past.