Sitting With Sadness

This morning sadness is visiting my heart. 

I am not sure why it came knocking...

COVID..the holidays approaching..a cancelled trip home..

It's weird. Everything is aligned in my life. My daughter is in a good place..my dog is still alive..I am surrounded by the best people..positive energy..

Yet, there is that little nagging. That little piece of unsettled in my soul.

This morning I sit with it. I feel it to the core. I let it visit.

I want to hug my daughter..I want to drink coffee in mom's living room..

Instead I sit at my table, little teary eyed, and just breathe.

The feelings..the emotions.. they come in waves over us. I used to like numb. I did not allow myself to feel even the good because that meant I would have to feel the hard stuff. It helped me make it through. Survival mode.

So much growth. So much stronger.

Over the past few years I have learned to allow my heart to open..experience the anger, the joy, the silly, the hurt, the sad, and the happy.

It is hard. So hard. Breathing in and accepting the uncomfortable. 

Letting go.

Today on this page I will allow sadness to be written. I know it will pass. It is just a visitor....

Be FREAKING present!

Lately I have been having many conversations that end with, "were you present?" 

(Example, I lost my shoe..no idea where it went.."were you present?" I seriously cannot find my deodorant..I looked for days...found it in my box of masks..."were you present?")

At first the question was sort of cute..like haha..my mind was a million places. 

Then it got sort of annoying...like.. "you try to be present with a your mind thinking and caring and meeting the needs of  everyone and everything." [insert an grumpy face and maybe a foot stomp or hrmmph.]

Then last night it sort of clicked in my brain. That last puzzle piece to complete the whole picture.

I was flipping through a gallery of photos and staring at my daughter. Taking in the fact that she is now a young adult..a beautiful woman. Staring at her picture a billion other images flashed in my mind..how she looked the moment they placed her on my chest and I finally saw her, the image of her little smooshed face in her head helmet, the littlest piggy tails, writing blues clues notes, setting up her sisters/the American Girls, playing the violin at church, swim meets, orchestra concerts...the list goes on and on. 

As all these images played out in my mind I realized how fast they went. How 15 years was a blink. 

And then it hit me. More so plowed me right off my feet. 

Was I Present?

Was I Present?

Was I freaking Present?

How many times did I mhhmmm and nod my head only partially listening, how many times was I too busy, how many times did I choose work over..????

And I let that sink in to my heart and my gut. 

I miss out when I am not present. I miss out when I am not fully living in that time and that moment and that space.

There is not a pause button on life. 

However, practicing fully being and experiencing and being in tune can slow things down. It can help be right there engaged. 

When I do this.. my mind is clearer, my emotions are managed, my anxiety decreases, my heart is fuller, I can take that moment in. I can feel it, breathe it, and live in it.

I think this is why I am always so drawn to littles. 4 year olds live in the raw moment. They are in such touch with their feelings, surroundings, and life. And in turn they are really living..experiencing..taking it all in..

Be present, breathe in the moments, live the memories.

The chapters written from this will be so..so...soo much more.

Teachers are Miracle Workers, Difference Makers, and Life Changers

 

I LOVED school. It was my happy place. I have some of the best memories of my teachers, learning, and experiences. 

My relationship began in 2nd grade...Mrs. Bailey. She ran this contest where the top readers got to go her house for dinner. In 2nd grade I didn't win, but I had the chance again when she was my third grade teacher. I inhaled books and was a winner. Going to her house was a dream. I remember imagining what it must be like to live there with her. How perfect her life must have been. 4th grade..Mrs. Bruder and our Blue Jay Clubhouse. She taught us sign language, let us have a school sleepover, and let us have these parent performances. She really made us feel listened to and believed in. 6th grade.. Mrs. Grace. She was so kooky, but her heart was HUGE. We would make banners for the Indiana Hoosiers, listen to Jackson 5, and adopted a man in Indiana with a brain tumor. Finally, Mrs. Johnson in high school. She was honest, direct, and had a way of teaching life lessons. These teachers taught me academic skills, but also more...They are stamped on my heart for life. 

Mrs. Bailey..self confidence

Mrs. Bruder...creativity

Mrs. Grace..compassion

Mrs. Johnson..courage

Fast forward 20+ years and I am working in the place I fell in love with...SCHOOL

I am surrounded by miracle workers, difference makers, and life changers every single day.

It makes my heart full..so full it probably explodes on the daily.

I witness the other side. As a student I loved school, learning, teaching. As a professional I witness the teachers who love their students, teaching, and still learning.

Teachers give. They give their entire being Every. Single. Day. They show up. They show up with commitment, courage, and love.

Honestly, I do not know how they are doing it right now.

This is hard. So hard. 

Tears, fear, long hours, stretching thin, anger, frustration, pushed beyond limits.

Still, they show up.

They give their all.

They love with their whole heart.

They smile.

And I do not know how they do it. 

And every day I fall in love all over again. I observe. I listen. I absorb. 

These teachers continue to teach me...

Kinder Team: Gentleness

1st Grade: Organization

2nd Grade: Compassion

3rd Grade: Determination

4th Grade: Dedication

5th Grade: Grit

AMP: Creativity

Service Providers: Flexibility

The Entire Team: Love, Compassion, Selflessness..

I fall in love again and again. Grateful I work in a place that saves kiddos, that changes the course of lives, and is a safe space. 

A happy place.