The professor of all lessons

 

Oh man.. 

I messed up..messed up big time.. and now the lesson is unrolling in front of me.

I am used to being independent..strong...self reliant...resilient...carrying it all. And I thought that was my best feature. I thought this was such an awesome trait. I can do it all... I'm Wonder Woman's cousin. 

Hear me out... it is good to be strong and have independence but it is also good to soften..to let someone in..to learn to let go.

I did not do that. I held tighter, I dug in, I pushed away. I lost it. 

And now I am making connections..deep...intense..hard to stomach connections. 

AND IT SUCKS.

I have self diagnosed myself with a little thing called..

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Issues..

I am a LCSW..I can self diagnosis... not sure if I can self treat though..

Soooooo....basically here is what I figured out..

Intimate relationships in my life go through a cycle:

Seek out a relationship----get into a groove---

get feelings---get freaked out--withdraw

Some toxic traits I have exhibited without even realizing it..

• I have a hard time forgiving when my feelings have been hurt
• I don't want to really talk about my feelings
• I don't want to be around a partner when I am upset
• I want to be close, but don't want my feelings hurt
• I keep emotions to myself and rely only on me
• I get easily disappointed in my partner
• I intentionally distance myself when I feel start to catch the feelings

I could go on and on about all the unhealthiness. I have legit done these things in every relationship.

 And in  the past this cycle and these traits weren't really a concern because I was never fully invested. Walls were still up and I was one foot in and one out.

This fall though someone waltzed..well actually hiked right in. And my heart..my heart found this home. 

You can probably see where this is headed..

My rinse and repeat cycle showed up. 

And I watched this man take my key off his ring and walk right out of my apartment, my life....my heart. 

Oh man..oh maaaannnn it sucks. 

Early in our relationship I looked at him and said, "I hope you are not a life lesson."

He was the professor of all lessons. 

And it hurts. Hurts so much that tears spring up and I have to grab a pen and write out a quick affirmation because this pain.. it is intense. It hurts. 

It hurts so damn much.

So instead of turning the page I am spending some time re-reading.. really re-reading, taking notes, and learning..this was a tough chapter.

Deposits of Love

 

I came across the story about that tree and the little boy...where the tree gives and gives and gives. It made me think.

I know I give. 

I give every day at work. I give my heart, my time, my love. I dedicate my 110% into what I do. I love it. It can be exhausting and draining at times, but I feel like the more I give to my career and those in it the more it gives me. I receive the smiles, the appreciation, the changes, the growth. It becomes this balance of giving and receiving.

I give every day to my daughter.  I give her my entire being, my energy, my hopes, my love. Damn, this is a hard one. There are days when you feel like you are giving everything in your being and it is emptying you. The deposits back are sometimes slow and fleeting. However, there are moments where you get a text or a smile, a comment, observation, and it makes your heart overflow. It reminds you that the giving can be exhausting, but your child and your connection makes it worth it.

I give to friendships, relationships..a brief check in.. a text..phone call. I love these people. I try to find ways to connect. They check in, ask how I am doing, care about Lauren (and Marla!). These relationships give me those little hugs..pats on the back..encouragements...that remind me I am loved, cared about, and important.

I listened to a podcast recently referring to Gottman's idea of The Emotional Bank Account. Ideas behind this suggest that positive interactions are deposits into our account while negative interactions are withdrawals. The suggestion for balance is that there should be a 5:1 ratio of deposits to withdrawals.

The idea made me reflect and think about where I continue to give. Places that I make deposit after deposit only to find that these places are over-drafting me. These overdrafts are exhausting me. They are literally emptying my Emotional Bank Account. 

It has made me ask myself, 

"why I am so willing to give and deposit to things, relationships, activities that only take from me?"

I will be 39 (yikes) in  a few weeks. As I begin to think about goals for the next year I have decided to begin to unsubscribe to the things that are continually taking. To only invest in the things that create deposits. As I accept this I realize that by doing so I have more..more to give to my work, daughter, and relationships that give to me too.

Turning the page....

Landing on the ledger of my bank account. 

I have a feeling I will see it overflowing this year.. man, I am going to be so rich. :)

#Millionaireinlovedeposits