The professor of all lessons

 

Oh man.. 

I messed up..messed up big time.. and now the lesson is unrolling in front of me.

I am used to being independent..strong...self reliant...resilient...carrying it all. And I thought that was my best feature. I thought this was such an awesome trait. I can do it all... I'm Wonder Woman's cousin. 

Hear me out... it is good to be strong and have independence but it is also good to soften..to let someone in..to learn to let go.

I did not do that. I held tighter, I dug in, I pushed away. I lost it. 

And now I am making connections..deep...intense..hard to stomach connections. 

AND IT SUCKS.

I have self diagnosed myself with a little thing called..

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Issues..

I am a LCSW..I can self diagnosis... not sure if I can self treat though..

Soooooo....basically here is what I figured out..

Intimate relationships in my life go through a cycle:

Seek out a relationship----get into a groove---

get feelings---get freaked out--withdraw

Some toxic traits I have exhibited without even realizing it..

• I have a hard time forgiving when my feelings have been hurt
• I don't want to really talk about my feelings
• I don't want to be around a partner when I am upset
• I want to be close, but don't want my feelings hurt
• I keep emotions to myself and rely only on me
• I get easily disappointed in my partner
• I intentionally distance myself when I feel start to catch the feelings

I could go on and on about all the unhealthiness. I have legit done these things in every relationship.

 And in  the past this cycle and these traits weren't really a concern because I was never fully invested. Walls were still up and I was one foot in and one out.

This fall though someone waltzed..well actually hiked right in. And my heart..my heart found this home. 

You can probably see where this is headed..

My rinse and repeat cycle showed up. 

And I watched this man take my key off his ring and walk right out of my apartment, my life....my heart. 

Oh man..oh maaaannnn it sucks. 

Early in our relationship I looked at him and said, "I hope you are not a life lesson."

He was the professor of all lessons. 

And it hurts. Hurts so much that tears spring up and I have to grab a pen and write out a quick affirmation because this pain.. it is intense. It hurts. 

It hurts so damn much.

So instead of turning the page I am spending some time re-reading.. really re-reading, taking notes, and learning..this was a tough chapter.