The Yellow Hula Hoop

 Today at recess a first grader walked over to me head down, bummed. I squatted down and asked what was up. She explained she really wanted to huly hoop, but there were no more left. As we talked I asked her how we could fix that problem.

"Well, I could probably ask to use one when someone is done or I could take turns." I made an acknowledging nod as she approached the nearest hula hooper. I held my breath fully anticipating the student to say  nope and a mini meltdown to occur. The other first grader instead happily agreed to take turns and immediately gave up her hoop.

Later at my desk I thought about how considerate the child was and how selfless her act was. The more I thought about the recess incident the more I realized that children are naturally selfless. Walk into kindergarten lunch and express how yummy a cookie looks and you will have 6 half eaten cookies thrust in your face. Comment on the awesome Sonic drawing a 4th grader sketches and you will have an exact replicate scrawled with "To Ms. Paige" waiting in your office.

I think children naturally give. 

So what happens?

 Some of the adults most closest in relationships to me are the most selfish. 

They would not share a yellow hula hoop. 

While driving home today this thought snuck up on me and before I realized it I was crying.  Some of the people who know me, love me, and are in my inner circle are really selfish humans. I mean really egocentric, all about me, self absorbed individuals. Wrapping this thought around my mind really squeezes at my heart

I have been on a struggle bus for about three weeks now. Just sort of battling some feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation. It has been a little hard. Stepping back though I have realized much of these feelings are stemming from being on the receiving end of selfishness. 

When do we change? When does our mind shift from "let's take turns" to "this is all mine?"

What kills off our desire to think of others? 

To meet their needs? 

To put our own wants and happy over theirs?

Does it come from:

• Experience
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Heart Break
• Becoming an adult

I am not sure where the breakdown occurs, but man it stinks. 

It sucks to think that those closest to me might not share that damn yellow hula hoop.

And my heart feels squeezed a little bit and a few little tears fall on this page before it is turned.