Looking for a River Bank

 Relationships have been heavy on my mind lately. In particular, thinking about the kind of person I want to share my life with and be in a deep relationship with.

 

I know I am not easy to love. I am independent, inflexible. I tend to have a thick wall up. I need alone time frequently. I love to obsessively talk about work. I can get very bossy.

 

It will take a certain type of man to really be able to break through all the layers and help me love.

 

It is going to take a river bank. 

 

Did I lose you?

 

A river bank supports the flow of the river. While it contains the water it also runs along with the current and flow. It doesn’t direct the river path but rather flows beside it. 

 

I need a river bank.

 

 I need a man who is my biggest cheerleader within my career and education. Someone who can take pride with me.

I need a man who is as strong as an ox. Someone who can look at the weight on my shoulders and offer to carry a little.

 

I need a man who is confident. Someone who is comfortable together and a part.

 

I need a man who has grit. Someone with rough hands who works hard.

 

 I need a man in the ring. Someone who can take the punches of life and still have drive and a some fight.

 

I need a man who is home. Someone who allows me to be myself, feel safe, and become comfortable.

 

I need a river bank.

 

So I am looking. Hiking. Standing in rivers. Ready.

Turning the page to the chapter I am drafting.

Need to Breathe: Banks

I wanna be there when the voices in your head Are loud enough to make you lose your mind Just the same when you're dominating the day I wanna be the one who's by your side You know my love is not the jealous type It doesn't matter if we win or lose I could stay or I could come No matter where you're coming from I could be the one to let you choose I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river You are beautiful and wild at every turn Who am I to take control of that? Everybody needs a voice they can follow When the water and the winds get bad You know my love is not the jealous type And it don't matter if we win or lose I could push or I could pull No matter what you're trying to do As long as I can flow along with you

I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river Baby, I ain't saying that you need my help But you don't have to do it all by yourself So, baby, when the current gets strong You need somewhere to rest your bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be strong for you, oh, oh, oh I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back (I'll be the banks for your river) And if you ever feel like you are not enough (I'll be the banks for your river) I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river

 Will the Other Shoe Drop?

I am in a really good spot in my life right now. My daughter is doing well, my job is challenging but rewarding, my health is starting to move forward, I am learning to be financially stable, I am emotionally stable.

So why then do I hold my breath? Waiting for something to blow up? Cautious and disbelieving?

I think when you grow up unstable and run into obstacles turn after turn your brain becomes programmed to anticipate the bad. I think you also start to look for ways to self-sabotage the good, to keep looking for something….anything to create havoc in your utopian stage. 

I hate that. I don’t want to do that.  I want to breathe. I want to give up control. I want to soak in the seconds of happiness and bliss.

I want to kick off the shoe that I think might drop and instead prance even dance around barefoot. 

So how then do I reprogram my brain to do just that?

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

To me that can be a bad, bad word. It takes so much to trust. Trusting yourself, others, the cosmos, universe, etc.

If I give up control and just trust, then something is going to happen.

I could get hurt.

I might have to breathe, go with the flow.

I could get hurt.

Over the years I have practiced the art of numb. I have let guards and walls up. I have not opened my heart to trust the journey…trust the process…to see what happens.

Control equates safety. Trust is an unknown.

So, this chapter I am slowly working on that thing. 

Thank big ol’ scary TRUST.

And if the other shoe drops, I guess that means it is time to go shoe shopping!