My Backpack is HEAVY!

 My Backpack is Heavy!

I am not sure, but somehow I have evolved into a fixer…a problem solver. This role has spilled over into all of the life areas. Parent, Coordinator, Daughter, Aunt….

My job seems to be able to take on the problems and develop solutions. Going back to my Assistant Principal days I would tell my students:

“Coming to Ms. Page’s office doesn’t mean you are in trouble. It means we have to be problem solvers together and figure things out. Page’s Problem Solvers.”

It is such a great feeling identifying a need or situation and tackling it with creative solutions. I enjoy that.

Lately, I feel like a band aid. One that is supposed to stop a bleed out. I feel like the ship is sinking and I am using a teaspoon to empty the water.

The problems that need to be solved are hitting me over and over. I don’t have answers.

I do not have any solutions, answers, reasons and it sucks.

My job consists of supporting many elementary schools. I am walking in daily taking all of the problems and shoving them in my backpack. My family has tons going on and after phone calls I pack all of that into the suitcase. I am constantly holding my breath waiting to see what I need to take and pack as a mother.

And damn, this backpack is freaking heavy.

I am adding and adding, but nothing seems to be able to come out of the backpack.

And it is hard.So, so hard.

Someone close to me said, 

I am not your emotional sponge.

That was hard to hear, yet honest and vulnerable. I was using him to make room in my backpack. That isn’t fair. 

Yet, I am having a hard time. Such a hard time, carrying the backpack, climbing the mountain, out of water, blisters on my feet, etc..etc…

And it is so freaking heavy and hard.

But that is what we do, right? The problem solvers carry it, and carry it, and carry it. Our hearts just seem to keep making room. 

So here is to another week..another page…pick up the backpack and trudge on.