Be FREAKING present!

Lately I have been having many conversations that end with, "were you present?" 

(Example, I lost my shoe..no idea where it went.."were you present?" I seriously cannot find my deodorant..I looked for days...found it in my box of masks..."were you present?")

At first the question was sort of cute..like haha..my mind was a million places. 

Then it got sort of annoying...like.. "you try to be present with a your mind thinking and caring and meeting the needs of  everyone and everything." [insert an grumpy face and maybe a foot stomp or hrmmph.]

Then last night it sort of clicked in my brain. That last puzzle piece to complete the whole picture.

I was flipping through a gallery of photos and staring at my daughter. Taking in the fact that she is now a young adult..a beautiful woman. Staring at her picture a billion other images flashed in my mind..how she looked the moment they placed her on my chest and I finally saw her, the image of her little smooshed face in her head helmet, the littlest piggy tails, writing blues clues notes, setting up her sisters/the American Girls, playing the violin at church, swim meets, orchestra concerts...the list goes on and on. 

As all these images played out in my mind I realized how fast they went. How 15 years was a blink. 

And then it hit me. More so plowed me right off my feet. 

Was I Present?

Was I Present?

Was I freaking Present?

How many times did I mhhmmm and nod my head only partially listening, how many times was I too busy, how many times did I choose work over..????

And I let that sink in to my heart and my gut. 

I miss out when I am not present. I miss out when I am not fully living in that time and that moment and that space.

There is not a pause button on life. 

However, practicing fully being and experiencing and being in tune can slow things down. It can help be right there engaged. 

When I do this.. my mind is clearer, my emotions are managed, my anxiety decreases, my heart is fuller, I can take that moment in. I can feel it, breathe it, and live in it.

I think this is why I am always so drawn to littles. 4 year olds live in the raw moment. They are in such touch with their feelings, surroundings, and life. And in turn they are really living..experiencing..taking it all in..

Be present, breathe in the moments, live the memories.

The chapters written from this will be so..so...soo much more.

Teachers are Miracle Workers, Difference Makers, and Life Changers

 

I LOVED school. It was my happy place. I have some of the best memories of my teachers, learning, and experiences. 

My relationship began in 2nd grade...Mrs. Bailey. She ran this contest where the top readers got to go her house for dinner. In 2nd grade I didn't win, but I had the chance again when she was my third grade teacher. I inhaled books and was a winner. Going to her house was a dream. I remember imagining what it must be like to live there with her. How perfect her life must have been. 4th grade..Mrs. Bruder and our Blue Jay Clubhouse. She taught us sign language, let us have a school sleepover, and let us have these parent performances. She really made us feel listened to and believed in. 6th grade.. Mrs. Grace. She was so kooky, but her heart was HUGE. We would make banners for the Indiana Hoosiers, listen to Jackson 5, and adopted a man in Indiana with a brain tumor. Finally, Mrs. Johnson in high school. She was honest, direct, and had a way of teaching life lessons. These teachers taught me academic skills, but also more...They are stamped on my heart for life. 

Mrs. Bailey..self confidence

Mrs. Bruder...creativity

Mrs. Grace..compassion

Mrs. Johnson..courage

Fast forward 20+ years and I am working in the place I fell in love with...SCHOOL

I am surrounded by miracle workers, difference makers, and life changers every single day.

It makes my heart full..so full it probably explodes on the daily.

I witness the other side. As a student I loved school, learning, teaching. As a professional I witness the teachers who love their students, teaching, and still learning.

Teachers give. They give their entire being Every. Single. Day. They show up. They show up with commitment, courage, and love.

Honestly, I do not know how they are doing it right now.

This is hard. So hard. 

Tears, fear, long hours, stretching thin, anger, frustration, pushed beyond limits.

Still, they show up.

They give their all.

They love with their whole heart.

They smile.

And I do not know how they do it. 

And every day I fall in love all over again. I observe. I listen. I absorb. 

These teachers continue to teach me...

Kinder Team: Gentleness

1st Grade: Organization

2nd Grade: Compassion

3rd Grade: Determination

4th Grade: Dedication

5th Grade: Grit

AMP: Creativity

Service Providers: Flexibility

The Entire Team: Love, Compassion, Selflessness..

I fall in love again and again. Grateful I work in a place that saves kiddos, that changes the course of lives, and is a safe space. 

A happy place.

Receive IT!

 "You're Amazing."

I read that on a text sent to me recently. My eyes glazed over it and I thought fleetingly, "oh that's nice..." Not really taking the comment in. Not receiving it. Just a brush off of lip service. 

Fast forward the next day. I'm writing love notes to my teachers and I find myself penning, "you're amazing" in the note.  I truly think that teacher is amazing. She amazes me with her commitment to planning instruction, supporting students, giving herself to her career. I believe she is amazing in every sense. 

My mind then wandered back to that text. Someone thinks that about me. Why didn't I accept that? Why wouldn't I allow myself to receive that message wholeheartedly?

Where was the wall? The disconnect? 

Why do I...we..refuse to take things in that we are so readily able to give?

Forgiveness

         Compliments

                    Help 

                          Love

When I worked in high schools I was constantly telling the young girls to talk to themselves like they would their best friend.. to treat themselves like they would treat their best friend...

Practice what I preach... 

I have promised myself I will actively begin to do this. 

On this page I will not only give, but will also receive. 

I will let the walls down.. I will believe the words, accept the love. 

And that fills the page..surrounds the heart...and makes me smile. 

And then it happens...

 Anyone who knows me knows I have an appetite for reading. I LOVE to read. I devour books. This in turn, means words are everything to me. My love language is words of affirmation, my house is full of phrases, I pin a billion quotes, music lyrics stir my heart.

This morning I came across this:

    And then it happens.....One day you wake up and you're in this place. You're in this place where everything feels right.

Lately, I have been waking up in this place. Every. Single. Day. 

Old Jen, Jenny, Jennifer would be scared shit-less to admit this.. I would be holding my breath waiting for the bad to creep in..

Drinking my coffee, I realize that the bad stuff still is creeping in. 

Yesterday, I danced and sang while blowing drying my hair, excited to wear orange to work for Bullying Prevention Month, woo-hooing that it was Friday. Then...

I 

    FELL

        DOWN

                MY 

                    STEPS

Like legit, half a flight of stairs, dumping coffee along the way all over me, bruise creating a third booty cheek.

But, I still went through my day in my place. This feel good, at peace, beautiful place.

My booty just hurt, A LOT.

And today, shutdowns from COVID are looming, fires are burning, and I am still in my place.

I wish I could say I know how this happened, but I am not totally sure. Something in my heart just shifted.. 

I think another page just turned.. 

Haha!

 

I love quotes and this morning I stumbled across this....

It resonated with me. I remember thinking that turning 38 and 2020 would be my year... Haha! Then a little enemy name Corona, or COVID slipped in and turned everything into a giant tornado of shit.

I moved this Spring thinking a new place would be a fresh start. Haha! I hate not being in the mountains. Last Spring I remember thinking, next school year was going to so great! Haha! It is one of the most stressful starts ever with quarantines, stress, and pandemonium. 

But this morning I read this. I read this quote and could feel that stirring in my heart again. That little bit of excitement and momentum that comes with goals and dreams. 

This year isn't over and I am not 39 yet and I remembered that I have goals. 2 huge goals that are brewing. 2020 and 38 cannot knock me over. They cannot shake me.

I have already climbed bigger and harder mountains and made it. Not only made it but kicked the ever living crap out of them.

So yes, life..2020, COVID, and 38, I am entering a next level. A game changing level and it is creating a newer, tougher, and different version of me. It isn't just a new page, it is an entirely new chapter...maybe even a new Part 2 novel in the series.

I am excited, rejuvenated, and ready.

Goals are meant to be chased, caught, and chased again.

Cheers to Part 2.. and whoever says sequels are never as good as the original..

Haha!

38 is going to be great....it is going to be great.. For the past few weeks this has been the mantra I have been chanting in my head. My birthday is right around the corner and I am going to turn 38.....

I do not feel 38.. or 37... I am not sure how old I feel. 25 some days...32 others..most often about 98 as I lay in comfy clothes too exhausted to move from the couch.

I flip through pictures from the past 20 so years. The major difference is my head seems to have quadrupled in size..it used to be so tight, cheek bones and nice structure..Lately it looks like a watermelon. ( I am sure it has nothing to do with the cake I consume often).

Back to the upcoming year of 38..

I have some big dreams brewing.. and some little ones..

Apply for a Ph.D program...run...save money...shrink my head...seek honest and vulnerable conversations (and actually have them!!), be a way better mom, eat less sugar (HAHA!), listen more, have patience....

The list could go on forever.

Overall though, to be great at 38 I really just need to BE ....be reflective, be patient, be healthy, be frugal, be present...

Cheekbones

BE ME....

Be me with a smaller head face :)

Chunky monkey cheeks!

Facial structure

By the time I am 40!

Wise Road

There are some memories you cannot seem to shake.
They cling to every fiber, every thought. One such memory has cemented itself in my brain.
I still often wake up to it from dreams..nightmares really.

7510 S. Wise Road.

I grew up there for a large portion of my childhood. I can see the house clearly.
I can feel it. I can smell it. Each time the bile rises to my throat.

I hate that house.

I hate the memories that reside there.

I hate it. I hate what it did to me. I hate how it still takes up space in my brain.
I hate how I can gasp awake, out of breath, and think I never escaped.

Shame, embarrassment, anger, disgust.

7510 S. Wise Road.

The walkway that was often filled of cat feces.

The garage. Hoarders dream.

The kitchen without flooring. Rough wood with splinters.
The sink with the 5 gallon bucket underneath.
Every time I did the dishes I would haul the water out to dump so it would not splash over my feet.

My room. Mice often sneaking in through the laundry room, hiding in my closet.

The living room where he always was.
Staring at the tv. Never bothering to wear clothing except for off stained tightie whities.
What grown man wears white underwear. Repulsive man who did not work.
Instead sat in those underwear. The image burned in my mind.

The bathroom. Almost as wrenching as the him.
The toilet that couldn’t flush unless you used another 5 gallon bucket.
The smell of urine and human waste wafting through the rest of the house.

I hate that house.

Ironically sitting on Wise Road.

20 years later I realize.

It did make me wise.

Wise..I will never live like that. I will never live with someone like him.

Wise.. I will persevere through any challenge. I will beat the odds.

Wise..I will kick and scream and fight and dig out of any trench.

Wise..I will use those memories to serve children, families through my career.

Wise.. I will have compassion and empathy that can only come through experiences.

7510 S. Wise Road.

Wise, indeed.

As much as I hate this chapter I realize it wrote the pages of the future.