Figured it Out...

Figured it all out..maybe

For a long time I loved The Five Love Languages and thought they were the handbook for successful relationships. However, the other night after a really, really heart wrenching conversation I realized they are only half of it. 

Remember my post on the Emotional Bank? 

I think… the Love Languages help you and your partner navigate the deposits. They help us figure out how to make the other feel loved and appreciated.

However, what about those dang withdrawals???? How in the heck do we know what makes our partners feel the opposite? What brings out the snippy reply or the mad shutdown? How do we know what takes away?

I am not talking about little annoyances like forgetting to put shoes away. I am talking about those times that stab and squeeze your heart! I have struggled with this. I get my feelings hurt and man...it just sucks.. 

What I forgot to do was the perspective taking. In past relationships I have heard I have expectations. My ex-husband asked me over and over, “why do you have such hard and high expectations for the people who love you?”

I never got it. It never, ever clicked. 

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals.

One. More. Time.

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals

I have never shared with any partner.. Hey, this is how I feel loved, AND..hey this really hurts.

Ready for that example?? Stay with me here..

Hey, I feel really connected with you when you leave a note once in a while just saying something nice before you leave for work…

AND

Hey, I get my feelings hurt a ton when you don’t listen and try to jump into fix mode when I am sharing a problem.

See that..deposit.. And withdrawal..?

If I didn’t communicate that with my partner do I just assume that they will read my mind?? Doubtful.. And then what happens is each time I share a rough day or problem my guy is just going to talk about solutions and ideas..I am going to get frustrated..heart hurt..cry.. And boom repeat..

That conflict is going to build because I never set that boundary and provided that insight ahead of time.

SOOOO for future reference.. I am going to self reflect and identify my heavy hitter deposits and withdrawals so I can express those from the get go..

Fingers crossed it helps my heart, my partner, our communication, and our conflict resolution.

Kinda crappy how this revelation comes at the endings, BUT....

It can make the beginnings of the new all the more beautiful.

Onto the next page