Patience in Love

 My mentality has always been: work hard to achieve or obtain what you want

. 

For the most part this mantra has really worked for me.

Except for love. 

Insert a mini tantrum here:

It’s not fair. I have done the work. I have been motivated to put time and effort into who I am and how to navigate relationships. I have worked really, really hard. (Imagine foot stomping, pouty face, whiny voice)

Yet, I do not see the love looming around the corner. It is something I can’t seem to “achieve” and it requires patience.

SOOOO MANY PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!

For now I will concentrate and manifest the love I want in my life. It looks and feels and sounds like:

• Safety

• Being taken care of

• Listening

• Supporting

• Kindness

• Laughter

• Building a home together

• Coming home to where I belong

• Communication

• Time

• Presence

• Understanding

• Goofiness

• Long hugs

• Cups of coffee

• Trust

• Integrity

• Determination

• Grit

• “Good Mornings”

• “You are important to me”

• Head scratches

• Cooking dinner

• Dancing in the kitchen

• Supporting dreams

• Comfortable

• “What can I do?”

• “How can I help?”

• “I feel______”

• Smiles that creep in

• Eye rolls 

• Smirks

Working hard, waiting, manifesting, hoping, and believing that it takes hard work, but also belief and patience for the love to come. 

I really, really can’t wait to write this chapter. (But I have to wait!!!)

Gratitude for the Girl

 Gratitude, Thankfulness, Appreciation…

Sitting and drinking coffee in reflection.

It was almost one year exactly my daughter was in the ER for days as we waited for mental health treatment….

Thankfully, in a year she has finished high school, started college, continues to work, has an amazing art therapist, and lives with roommates.

In one year, she has accomplished all of this. I look at her (and despite my feelings about the black hair) I am proud of her resiliency, but not surprised.

She comes from a line of maternal strength. Her aunts, grandmothers, cousins, are tough. They have tenacity and grit to overcome any obstacle and challenge.

So again, I am not surprised. 

For those who may not know Lauren well she is fierce, beautiful, creative…

As a little kiddo she could connect with people, she could strike up conversations with anyone. She was pretty independent. 

Lauren wanted to be Word Girl..a Spy.. a Sea Otter for Halloween..

Lauren would write songs and play them on her pink guitar and then as she got older on her violin.

My daughter could do so much more than I could... She showed so much more confidence. 

She performed, she swam, she created art.

I am in awe of her and so grateful for her.

I look at her now… unique fashion, her love of concerts, her piercings, tattoo, and even black hair and am so proud of her.

Proud of her for not giving up, for being true to who she is, for her amazing art and musical talents.

It has been a rocky road at times. Scary. Sad. Overwhelming.

However, she perseveres. She keeps going. 

This Thanksgiving I am so very, very thankful for my daughter. 

Looking forward to the chapters she creates in her story....

Starting Over

 Starting Over

The other day I was in a special education classroom, and I watched a 2nd grade girl with Down Syndrome build with blocks. A kindergartner with Downs swooped in and knocked over the structure. The little girl took a moment to gasp, but then paused and patted the boy and said, “it’s ok.”

I did not expect her reaction. I assumed she would be upset and frustrated at the thought of starting over.

She did not. Instead, she gave compassion and grace and simply started rebuilding.

Wow. 

The memory hit hard this morning.

Starting over…

In the moment it can feel so hard. So defeating. So heartbreaking.

I remember that after my divorce. Sitting in my townhome, alone. Looking around thinking “I have to start over. This was years ago, and I am still sitting in my home, alone, continuing to build. 

I have worked hard to build my career. In the last 5 years I have crushed all the goals. 

• Assistant Principal

• Principal 

• Sped Coordinator

• Doctoral Program 

Today I resigned from my job. A job that has been a goal…a dream since I worked for the Midland County Head Start in 2004 and met Paula Reinker at the ESA.

A goal that has been almost 20 years in the making and I am stepping away.

The blocks have toppled down.

Do I feel like a failure? 

Am I heartbroken?

Was this one of the hardest decisions I have made?

YES

YES

YES

So here I sit surrounded by all these blocks strewn across my life. I do not have a Plan B. I do not have a new job I am going to start. I am not making a vertical move in the career path.

I am literally sitting here with one block in my hand not sure what to create, where to start, what the foundation should be.

Despite this, my heart knows.

It knows that this was what needed to happen.

I have cried daily for the last 6-8 weeks.  Driving to a place that continually pulls my morals, values, and heart work. A place that made me question myself, made me doubt myself, and at times made me feel like I was actually losing my mind.

I was becoming someone unrecognizable. 

I was losing my resilience, grit, determination, and passion.

So, I will start over. I will let go. I will accept rebuilding. 

I will be like my little friend and whisper, “it’s ok.”

Because it is. And it will be. 

I will write a new chapter. This one is over. 

**** This is the final poor Jen, post.  Stay tuned for the Part 2 of the Story.  Plot Twist!

A** Kicked!

Wow, the past few weeks have been an ass kicker. I am talking crying on the work commute, hurt heart, empty nesting, stress bomb. And I am doing all things trying to get my head above it.

It is hard when something you think is the perfect fit…..turns out to be a big ol’ flop.

It attacks the mind and heart flooding the messages…well you made a colossal fuck up, you suck, fail a little more, and so on.

It is hard to fight that. It is tiring trying to fight that.

But then you have a brief moment that you hold onto. 

A little boy named Joey, dancing to Old Town Road….

A note from the teenager….

An “I love you”........

And dammit. It sure doesn’t make the ass beating easier, but it doesn’t make you feel the good, the love, and the real.

Am I going to cry on Monday..most likely.

Will I make it out stronger and better..most likely.

(Am I currently planning an escape somewhere…most likely.)

My great grandma Gladys summed it up best, 

This too shall pass….

And it always does. And you always get through it. And you always come out of it.

So, this chapter is for everyone in the arena…getting your ass kicked.

This chapter will pass.