The Yellow Hula Hoop

 Today at recess a first grader walked over to me head down, bummed. I squatted down and asked what was up. She explained she really wanted to huly hoop, but there were no more left. As we talked I asked her how we could fix that problem.

"Well, I could probably ask to use one when someone is done or I could take turns." I made an acknowledging nod as she approached the nearest hula hooper. I held my breath fully anticipating the student to say  nope and a mini meltdown to occur. The other first grader instead happily agreed to take turns and immediately gave up her hoop.

Later at my desk I thought about how considerate the child was and how selfless her act was. The more I thought about the recess incident the more I realized that children are naturally selfless. Walk into kindergarten lunch and express how yummy a cookie looks and you will have 6 half eaten cookies thrust in your face. Comment on the awesome Sonic drawing a 4th grader sketches and you will have an exact replicate scrawled with "To Ms. Paige" waiting in your office.

I think children naturally give. 

So what happens?

 Some of the adults most closest in relationships to me are the most selfish. 

They would not share a yellow hula hoop. 

While driving home today this thought snuck up on me and before I realized it I was crying.  Some of the people who know me, love me, and are in my inner circle are really selfish humans. I mean really egocentric, all about me, self absorbed individuals. Wrapping this thought around my mind really squeezes at my heart

I have been on a struggle bus for about three weeks now. Just sort of battling some feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation. It has been a little hard. Stepping back though I have realized much of these feelings are stemming from being on the receiving end of selfishness. 

When do we change? When does our mind shift from "let's take turns" to "this is all mine?"

What kills off our desire to think of others? 

To meet their needs? 

To put our own wants and happy over theirs?

Does it come from:

• Experience
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Heart Break
• Becoming an adult

I am not sure where the breakdown occurs, but man it stinks. 

It sucks to think that those closest to me might not share that damn yellow hula hoop.

And my heart feels squeezed a little bit and a few little tears fall on this page before it is turned.

The professor of all lessons

 

Oh man.. 

I messed up..messed up big time.. and now the lesson is unrolling in front of me.

I am used to being independent..strong...self reliant...resilient...carrying it all. And I thought that was my best feature. I thought this was such an awesome trait. I can do it all... I'm Wonder Woman's cousin. 

Hear me out... it is good to be strong and have independence but it is also good to soften..to let someone in..to learn to let go.

I did not do that. I held tighter, I dug in, I pushed away. I lost it. 

And now I am making connections..deep...intense..hard to stomach connections. 

AND IT SUCKS.

I have self diagnosed myself with a little thing called..

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Issues..

I am a LCSW..I can self diagnosis... not sure if I can self treat though..

Soooooo....basically here is what I figured out..

Intimate relationships in my life go through a cycle:

Seek out a relationship----get into a groove---

get feelings---get freaked out--withdraw

Some toxic traits I have exhibited without even realizing it..

• I have a hard time forgiving when my feelings have been hurt
• I don't want to really talk about my feelings
• I don't want to be around a partner when I am upset
• I want to be close, but don't want my feelings hurt
• I keep emotions to myself and rely only on me
• I get easily disappointed in my partner
• I intentionally distance myself when I feel start to catch the feelings

I could go on and on about all the unhealthiness. I have legit done these things in every relationship.

 And in  the past this cycle and these traits weren't really a concern because I was never fully invested. Walls were still up and I was one foot in and one out.

This fall though someone waltzed..well actually hiked right in. And my heart..my heart found this home. 

You can probably see where this is headed..

My rinse and repeat cycle showed up. 

And I watched this man take my key off his ring and walk right out of my apartment, my life....my heart. 

Oh man..oh maaaannnn it sucks. 

Early in our relationship I looked at him and said, "I hope you are not a life lesson."

He was the professor of all lessons. 

And it hurts. Hurts so much that tears spring up and I have to grab a pen and write out a quick affirmation because this pain.. it is intense. It hurts. 

It hurts so damn much.

So instead of turning the page I am spending some time re-reading.. really re-reading, taking notes, and learning..this was a tough chapter.

Deposits of Love

 

I came across the story about that tree and the little boy...where the tree gives and gives and gives. It made me think.

I know I give. 

I give every day at work. I give my heart, my time, my love. I dedicate my 110% into what I do. I love it. It can be exhausting and draining at times, but I feel like the more I give to my career and those in it the more it gives me. I receive the smiles, the appreciation, the changes, the growth. It becomes this balance of giving and receiving.

I give every day to my daughter.  I give her my entire being, my energy, my hopes, my love. Damn, this is a hard one. There are days when you feel like you are giving everything in your being and it is emptying you. The deposits back are sometimes slow and fleeting. However, there are moments where you get a text or a smile, a comment, observation, and it makes your heart overflow. It reminds you that the giving can be exhausting, but your child and your connection makes it worth it.

I give to friendships, relationships..a brief check in.. a text..phone call. I love these people. I try to find ways to connect. They check in, ask how I am doing, care about Lauren (and Marla!). These relationships give me those little hugs..pats on the back..encouragements...that remind me I am loved, cared about, and important.

I listened to a podcast recently referring to Gottman's idea of The Emotional Bank Account. Ideas behind this suggest that positive interactions are deposits into our account while negative interactions are withdrawals. The suggestion for balance is that there should be a 5:1 ratio of deposits to withdrawals.

The idea made me reflect and think about where I continue to give. Places that I make deposit after deposit only to find that these places are over-drafting me. These overdrafts are exhausting me. They are literally emptying my Emotional Bank Account. 

It has made me ask myself, 

"why I am so willing to give and deposit to things, relationships, activities that only take from me?"

I will be 39 (yikes) in  a few weeks. As I begin to think about goals for the next year I have decided to begin to unsubscribe to the things that are continually taking. To only invest in the things that create deposits. As I accept this I realize that by doing so I have more..more to give to my work, daughter, and relationships that give to me too.

Turning the page....

Landing on the ledger of my bank account. 

I have a feeling I will see it overflowing this year.. man, I am going to be so rich. :)

#Millionaireinlovedeposits

Walls

The dictionary has tons of definitions for the word, "wall"

    A thick masonry structure...that provides defense

    A structure that provides defense

    A layer enclosing space

    Something that acts a barrier or defense

I like a nice solid brick wall..it is appealing  the eye, it is sturdy and strong, it is protective...

Walls make me feel safe.

Walls

Make

Me 

Feel

Safe.

Interestingly, walls can get knocked down. Wind, weather, machinery, a sledgehammer...all things that can break down even the strongest structure.

Love..

Love can also break down walls. 

Vulnerability.

Vulnerability can break down walls too.

My heart, my feelings, my thoughts love sturdy, brick walls. They hunker down inside the walls and sit feeling protected and unharmed.

Seems like it would be good thing.

However, inside the walls is also loneliness, isolation, fear, and shame. 

Lately my walls have been shaken, bricks have fallen down, foundations have been cracked.  I find my feelings, thoughts, and my heart have even had the courage to crawl over the walls. Sometimes they even leave the yard within the walls. Day by day they venture slightly further out.

They are learning to get stronger.

They are learning not to retract.

They are learning to use the bricks from the wall to create a paved path instead. 

Bricks that create sturdy walls are heavy though. It is a long process to take one down and use it to reconstruct a new road.

Patience.

Things that are strong, sturdy, and indestructible take....

Time.

    

Sitting With Sadness

This morning sadness is visiting my heart. 

I am not sure why it came knocking...

COVID..the holidays approaching..a cancelled trip home..

It's weird. Everything is aligned in my life. My daughter is in a good place..my dog is still alive..I am surrounded by the best people..positive energy..

Yet, there is that little nagging. That little piece of unsettled in my soul.

This morning I sit with it. I feel it to the core. I let it visit.

I want to hug my daughter..I want to drink coffee in mom's living room..

Instead I sit at my table, little teary eyed, and just breathe.

The feelings..the emotions.. they come in waves over us. I used to like numb. I did not allow myself to feel even the good because that meant I would have to feel the hard stuff. It helped me make it through. Survival mode.

So much growth. So much stronger.

Over the past few years I have learned to allow my heart to open..experience the anger, the joy, the silly, the hurt, the sad, and the happy.

It is hard. So hard. Breathing in and accepting the uncomfortable. 

Letting go.

Today on this page I will allow sadness to be written. I know it will pass. It is just a visitor....

Be FREAKING present!

Lately I have been having many conversations that end with, "were you present?" 

(Example, I lost my shoe..no idea where it went.."were you present?" I seriously cannot find my deodorant..I looked for days...found it in my box of masks..."were you present?")

At first the question was sort of cute..like haha..my mind was a million places. 

Then it got sort of annoying...like.. "you try to be present with a your mind thinking and caring and meeting the needs of  everyone and everything." [insert an grumpy face and maybe a foot stomp or hrmmph.]

Then last night it sort of clicked in my brain. That last puzzle piece to complete the whole picture.

I was flipping through a gallery of photos and staring at my daughter. Taking in the fact that she is now a young adult..a beautiful woman. Staring at her picture a billion other images flashed in my mind..how she looked the moment they placed her on my chest and I finally saw her, the image of her little smooshed face in her head helmet, the littlest piggy tails, writing blues clues notes, setting up her sisters/the American Girls, playing the violin at church, swim meets, orchestra concerts...the list goes on and on. 

As all these images played out in my mind I realized how fast they went. How 15 years was a blink. 

And then it hit me. More so plowed me right off my feet. 

Was I Present?

Was I Present?

Was I freaking Present?

How many times did I mhhmmm and nod my head only partially listening, how many times was I too busy, how many times did I choose work over..????

And I let that sink in to my heart and my gut. 

I miss out when I am not present. I miss out when I am not fully living in that time and that moment and that space.

There is not a pause button on life. 

However, practicing fully being and experiencing and being in tune can slow things down. It can help be right there engaged. 

When I do this.. my mind is clearer, my emotions are managed, my anxiety decreases, my heart is fuller, I can take that moment in. I can feel it, breathe it, and live in it.

I think this is why I am always so drawn to littles. 4 year olds live in the raw moment. They are in such touch with their feelings, surroundings, and life. And in turn they are really living..experiencing..taking it all in..

Be present, breathe in the moments, live the memories.

The chapters written from this will be so..so...soo much more.

Teachers are Miracle Workers, Difference Makers, and Life Changers

 

I LOVED school. It was my happy place. I have some of the best memories of my teachers, learning, and experiences. 

My relationship began in 2nd grade...Mrs. Bailey. She ran this contest where the top readers got to go her house for dinner. In 2nd grade I didn't win, but I had the chance again when she was my third grade teacher. I inhaled books and was a winner. Going to her house was a dream. I remember imagining what it must be like to live there with her. How perfect her life must have been. 4th grade..Mrs. Bruder and our Blue Jay Clubhouse. She taught us sign language, let us have a school sleepover, and let us have these parent performances. She really made us feel listened to and believed in. 6th grade.. Mrs. Grace. She was so kooky, but her heart was HUGE. We would make banners for the Indiana Hoosiers, listen to Jackson 5, and adopted a man in Indiana with a brain tumor. Finally, Mrs. Johnson in high school. She was honest, direct, and had a way of teaching life lessons. These teachers taught me academic skills, but also more...They are stamped on my heart for life. 

Mrs. Bailey..self confidence

Mrs. Bruder...creativity

Mrs. Grace..compassion

Mrs. Johnson..courage

Fast forward 20+ years and I am working in the place I fell in love with...SCHOOL

I am surrounded by miracle workers, difference makers, and life changers every single day.

It makes my heart full..so full it probably explodes on the daily.

I witness the other side. As a student I loved school, learning, teaching. As a professional I witness the teachers who love their students, teaching, and still learning.

Teachers give. They give their entire being Every. Single. Day. They show up. They show up with commitment, courage, and love.

Honestly, I do not know how they are doing it right now.

This is hard. So hard. 

Tears, fear, long hours, stretching thin, anger, frustration, pushed beyond limits.

Still, they show up.

They give their all.

They love with their whole heart.

They smile.

And I do not know how they do it. 

And every day I fall in love all over again. I observe. I listen. I absorb. 

These teachers continue to teach me...

Kinder Team: Gentleness

1st Grade: Organization

2nd Grade: Compassion

3rd Grade: Determination

4th Grade: Dedication

5th Grade: Grit

AMP: Creativity

Service Providers: Flexibility

The Entire Team: Love, Compassion, Selflessness..

I fall in love again and again. Grateful I work in a place that saves kiddos, that changes the course of lives, and is a safe space. 

A happy place.