A** Kicked!

Wow, the past few weeks have been an ass kicker. I am talking crying on the work commute, hurt heart, empty nesting, stress bomb. And I am doing all things trying to get my head above it.

It is hard when something you think is the perfect fit…..turns out to be a big ol’ flop.

It attacks the mind and heart flooding the messages…well you made a colossal fuck up, you suck, fail a little more, and so on.

It is hard to fight that. It is tiring trying to fight that.

But then you have a brief moment that you hold onto. 

A little boy named Joey, dancing to Old Town Road….

A note from the teenager….

An “I love you”........

And dammit. It sure doesn’t make the ass beating easier, but it doesn’t make you feel the good, the love, and the real.

Am I going to cry on Monday..most likely.

Will I make it out stronger and better..most likely.

(Am I currently planning an escape somewhere…most likely.)

My great grandma Gladys summed it up best, 

This too shall pass….

And it always does. And you always get through it. And you always come out of it.

So, this chapter is for everyone in the arena…getting your ass kicked.

This chapter will pass. 

My Backpack is HEAVY!

 My Backpack is Heavy!

I am not sure, but somehow I have evolved into a fixer…a problem solver. This role has spilled over into all of the life areas. Parent, Coordinator, Daughter, Aunt….

My job seems to be able to take on the problems and develop solutions. Going back to my Assistant Principal days I would tell my students:

“Coming to Ms. Page’s office doesn’t mean you are in trouble. It means we have to be problem solvers together and figure things out. Page’s Problem Solvers.”

It is such a great feeling identifying a need or situation and tackling it with creative solutions. I enjoy that.

Lately, I feel like a band aid. One that is supposed to stop a bleed out. I feel like the ship is sinking and I am using a teaspoon to empty the water.

The problems that need to be solved are hitting me over and over. I don’t have answers.

I do not have any solutions, answers, reasons and it sucks.

My job consists of supporting many elementary schools. I am walking in daily taking all of the problems and shoving them in my backpack. My family has tons going on and after phone calls I pack all of that into the suitcase. I am constantly holding my breath waiting to see what I need to take and pack as a mother.

And damn, this backpack is freaking heavy.

I am adding and adding, but nothing seems to be able to come out of the backpack.

And it is hard.So, so hard.

Someone close to me said, 

I am not your emotional sponge.

That was hard to hear, yet honest and vulnerable. I was using him to make room in my backpack. That isn’t fair. 

Yet, I am having a hard time. Such a hard time, carrying the backpack, climbing the mountain, out of water, blisters on my feet, etc..etc…

And it is so freaking heavy and hard.

But that is what we do, right? The problem solvers carry it, and carry it, and carry it. Our hearts just seem to keep making room. 

So here is to another week..another page…pick up the backpack and trudge on.

I Need What?!

I Need What?!?!?

Talk about a life altering learning moment this week. On Wednesday I was taking a long walk to reset my brain. During these walks I enjoy listening to podcasts. Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us is back from summer break and the episode I chose featured the Gottman’s speaking on the Love Prescription. 

(I love Brene and the Gottman’s. If you have no idea what  I am speaking of please google ASAP.)

Cruising along on my walk and about 15 minutes into listening I am crying. Big, real tears just rolling on down. 

<---Walking, crying, staring at this view

This piece of the cast was on “giving and receiving love.” 

Julie Gottman’s voice, “sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

Pause and rewind right there…

“Sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

These people have gone through life acting as though they have no needs…so when someone suggests you need love your wall gets higher and thicker. 

Julie Gottman, you don’t know me….

How dare you suggest I need love.

Little louder for those in the back…

HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GIVE ME SOMETHING I DO NOT NEED?!

Julie goes on to discuss the feelings that arise when someone suggests they want to give you love because you have been pretty successful at hiding the particular need.

I relistened to that one-minute segment 7 times on my walk. 

That is me, my brain screams to me. 

THAT. IS. ME.

The last 15ish years of my life has been about understanding people. I was a therapist for Pete's sake. Why? Why am I just having this epiphany at 40 years old???

Nothing has worked..failed marriage, sporadic dating, yet my heart has never allowed me to think aloud or believe that I need love. 

I take care of myself, I am independent, I am strong willed, I am resilient.

Despite that I need love?

I need love?

I need it?

No longer a question in my mind.

I need love.

Period.

No longer a question but a statement. 

One I do not yet have the courage to say aloud, but that I am giving permission to sit in my heart and in my brain.

And learning that the  need is ok…

However, terrifying it is to no longer hide.

Yikes…

Here comes a page turner…big chapter..Happy Ending??? (Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves ;)

Looking for a River Bank

 Relationships have been heavy on my mind lately. In particular, thinking about the kind of person I want to share my life with and be in a deep relationship with.

 

I know I am not easy to love. I am independent, inflexible. I tend to have a thick wall up. I need alone time frequently. I love to obsessively talk about work. I can get very bossy.

 

It will take a certain type of man to really be able to break through all the layers and help me love.

 

It is going to take a river bank. 

 

Did I lose you?

 

A river bank supports the flow of the river. While it contains the water it also runs along with the current and flow. It doesn’t direct the river path but rather flows beside it. 

 

I need a river bank.

 

 I need a man who is my biggest cheerleader within my career and education. Someone who can take pride with me.

I need a man who is as strong as an ox. Someone who can look at the weight on my shoulders and offer to carry a little.

 

I need a man who is confident. Someone who is comfortable together and a part.

 

I need a man who has grit. Someone with rough hands who works hard.

 

 I need a man in the ring. Someone who can take the punches of life and still have drive and a some fight.

 

I need a man who is home. Someone who allows me to be myself, feel safe, and become comfortable.

 

I need a river bank.

 

So I am looking. Hiking. Standing in rivers. Ready.

Turning the page to the chapter I am drafting.

Need to Breathe: Banks

I wanna be there when the voices in your head Are loud enough to make you lose your mind Just the same when you're dominating the day I wanna be the one who's by your side You know my love is not the jealous type It doesn't matter if we win or lose I could stay or I could come No matter where you're coming from I could be the one to let you choose I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river You are beautiful and wild at every turn Who am I to take control of that? Everybody needs a voice they can follow When the water and the winds get bad You know my love is not the jealous type And it don't matter if we win or lose I could push or I could pull No matter what you're trying to do As long as I can flow along with you

I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river Baby, I ain't saying that you need my help But you don't have to do it all by yourself So, baby, when the current gets strong You need somewhere to rest your bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be strong for you, oh, oh, oh I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back (I'll be the banks for your river) And if you ever feel like you are not enough (I'll be the banks for your river) I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river

 Will the Other Shoe Drop?

I am in a really good spot in my life right now. My daughter is doing well, my job is challenging but rewarding, my health is starting to move forward, I am learning to be financially stable, I am emotionally stable.

So why then do I hold my breath? Waiting for something to blow up? Cautious and disbelieving?

I think when you grow up unstable and run into obstacles turn after turn your brain becomes programmed to anticipate the bad. I think you also start to look for ways to self-sabotage the good, to keep looking for something….anything to create havoc in your utopian stage. 

I hate that. I don’t want to do that.  I want to breathe. I want to give up control. I want to soak in the seconds of happiness and bliss.

I want to kick off the shoe that I think might drop and instead prance even dance around barefoot. 

So how then do I reprogram my brain to do just that?

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

To me that can be a bad, bad word. It takes so much to trust. Trusting yourself, others, the cosmos, universe, etc.

If I give up control and just trust, then something is going to happen.

I could get hurt.

I might have to breathe, go with the flow.

I could get hurt.

Over the years I have practiced the art of numb. I have let guards and walls up. I have not opened my heart to trust the journey…trust the process…to see what happens.

Control equates safety. Trust is an unknown.

So, this chapter I am slowly working on that thing. 

Thank big ol’ scary TRUST.

And if the other shoe drops, I guess that means it is time to go shoe shopping!

Crisis? State of Emergency? Help!

 I began this school year full of hope. I accepted a new role in a new district. Covid is over? And I truly felt like we were getting back to a new sense of normal. Teachers can finally TEACH! Students are ready to learn.

Except for one thing.

There are no TEACHERS. Like zero, zip, zilch.

No mental health staff..no support staff..no bus drivers..no kitchen staff.. and the list goes on.

I read this article and it left me feeling even worse..

2022 Teacher Shortage Statistics That Prove We Need To Fix Education (weareteachers.com

It makes my heart hurt. In my new role I support special education teams at our elementary roles. I started with 10 schools...now I have 15 because we are down one coordinator and cannot fill the position.

I am also picking up a .5 role as the Mental Health coordinator because we could only fill it part time.

So currently I am 1.5 Sped Coordinator and .5 Mental Health Coordinator. Hmm.. I  am terrible at math, but that means 1 employee=2 jobs.

Hear me..I AM NOT COMPLAINING. 

I would take on an additional 3 more roles if it meant my teacher, students, and schools receive support.

I would drive the bus, make the lunch, support the class, and do my own role to keep kids learning and teachers less stressed.

But I feel like our educational system is going to break soon. The tape I have on busted pipes is not going to hold much longer and I am looking for the lifeboat for the flood. I imagine myself paddling and paddling to save the staff and students who might drown when it does.

WE NEED HELP.

But honestly, I do not know what that help is. Money, structure overhaul, laws, systems.

What is the answer??

My servant leadership, notes, treats, cheers, time....is not even making a dent.

This is a system that is more than broken. And it is impacting our youth. 

OUR STUDENTS, BABIES, KIDDOS.. 

They will feel the impact.

OUR TEACHERS, SCHOOL STAFF, ASSISTANTS, DRIVERS...

They do feel the impact. 

Working in the school system is a true labor of love. We don't do it for a title, money (HAHAHAH), or status. 

We do it because it is a calling that tugs at our hearts.

But I am scared. So scared.

It is time to Turn the Page on this system and bring change....

Hell

 I just got home from spending countless hours...days..in the Emergency Room.

Without going into specific details,  on Tuesday I took my 16  year daughter to the ER. She was in crisis. We were in crisis. 

The hospital is supposed to help. After a mental health evaluation we were told Lauren would be placed in a mental health facility, but because of the time that would happen in the morning. So we waited. We waited in the emergency room. In crisis, we stayed in a partitioned off bed overhearing others being brought in for heart problems, COVID, bladder infections, intoxication, and so much more. (Throw HIPPAA right out the window because we overheard it all)

In the morning we were told that a bed was open in Littleton and we would be transported there! Yay! Help was coming! 

But then...

4 hours later we were told the spot was not longer available and we would wait another day....

Another day in the Emergency Room.. another day with no mental health care or treatment....

The next day rolls around...no beds....

I am told this is a common occurrence. Mental health beds are few and far between. Throw in being a teenager and the number decreases.

In fact a quarter of mental health patients wait 2-5 days in the ER for an in patient psychiatric bed. This increases significantly for children. This is just the average. There have been reports of people waiting a month. A month in the ER for treatment.

If you go to the emergency room for a physical health condition you wait 4 hours on average. 

My daughter summed it up best,

"If my leg were cut off there would be doctors and nurses all over helping me. Since it's my brain I guess no one cares."

The mental health system is hell. It is a living hell.

We wait an average of 12 weeks to see our psychiatrist. When we switched insurance we had to switch Dr.s. Lauren was out of medication for three days. I called and called and called. I was told the only way to get a refill was to go to the ER or a Crisis Walk in Center. 

I am scared to add up the out of pocket costs we have spent on services. Many psychiatrist do not take private insurance. It is about $300 for an initial evaluation and $150-200 for medication reviews. Sometimes Lauren has reviews every 2 weeks.

We have paid $100-200 per therapy session. Lauren currently has therapy weekly.

Specialized treatment groups like DBT..$4000 for the 8-12 weeks.

We have been doing this for almost 10 years. 

Earlier this week there was a school shooting in Oxford, MI. I would make a strong hypothesis that the killer suffers from some sort of mental illness.  I wonder if he needed a medication refill and was in the process of waiting to be seen?

People need help. They are desperate for help. Their actions are a call for help.

The mental health system is hell. It is a living hell.

We got home and the same day I looked up legislation in Colorado for mental health. I emailed both my legislator and senator requesting appointments. I read committee information from recent meetings. I emailed the hospital. I posted on social media. I offered my mental health service Pro Bono. 

I advocated like a Mother.

People deserve better. My daughter deserves better.