Gratitude for the Girl

 Gratitude, Thankfulness, Appreciation…

Sitting and drinking coffee in reflection.

It was almost one year exactly my daughter was in the ER for days as we waited for mental health treatment….

Thankfully, in a year she has finished high school, started college, continues to work, has an amazing art therapist, and lives with roommates.

In one year, she has accomplished all of this. I look at her (and despite my feelings about the black hair) I am proud of her resiliency, but not surprised.

She comes from a line of maternal strength. Her aunts, grandmothers, cousins, are tough. They have tenacity and grit to overcome any obstacle and challenge.

So again, I am not surprised. 

For those who may not know Lauren well she is fierce, beautiful, creative…

As a little kiddo she could connect with people, she could strike up conversations with anyone. She was pretty independent. 

Lauren wanted to be Word Girl..a Spy.. a Sea Otter for Halloween..

Lauren would write songs and play them on her pink guitar and then as she got older on her violin.

My daughter could do so much more than I could... She showed so much more confidence. 

She performed, she swam, she created art.

I am in awe of her and so grateful for her.

I look at her now… unique fashion, her love of concerts, her piercings, tattoo, and even black hair and am so proud of her.

Proud of her for not giving up, for being true to who she is, for her amazing art and musical talents.

It has been a rocky road at times. Scary. Sad. Overwhelming.

However, she perseveres. She keeps going. 

This Thanksgiving I am so very, very thankful for my daughter. 

Looking forward to the chapters she creates in her story....

Starting Over

 Starting Over

The other day I was in a special education classroom, and I watched a 2nd grade girl with Down Syndrome build with blocks. A kindergartner with Downs swooped in and knocked over the structure. The little girl took a moment to gasp, but then paused and patted the boy and said, “it’s ok.”

I did not expect her reaction. I assumed she would be upset and frustrated at the thought of starting over.

She did not. Instead, she gave compassion and grace and simply started rebuilding.

Wow. 

The memory hit hard this morning.

Starting over…

In the moment it can feel so hard. So defeating. So heartbreaking.

I remember that after my divorce. Sitting in my townhome, alone. Looking around thinking “I have to start over. This was years ago, and I am still sitting in my home, alone, continuing to build. 

I have worked hard to build my career. In the last 5 years I have crushed all the goals. 

• Assistant Principal

• Principal 

• Sped Coordinator

• Doctoral Program 

Today I resigned from my job. A job that has been a goal…a dream since I worked for the Midland County Head Start in 2004 and met Paula Reinker at the ESA.

A goal that has been almost 20 years in the making and I am stepping away.

The blocks have toppled down.

Do I feel like a failure? 

Am I heartbroken?

Was this one of the hardest decisions I have made?

YES

YES

YES

So here I sit surrounded by all these blocks strewn across my life. I do not have a Plan B. I do not have a new job I am going to start. I am not making a vertical move in the career path.

I am literally sitting here with one block in my hand not sure what to create, where to start, what the foundation should be.

Despite this, my heart knows.

It knows that this was what needed to happen.

I have cried daily for the last 6-8 weeks.  Driving to a place that continually pulls my morals, values, and heart work. A place that made me question myself, made me doubt myself, and at times made me feel like I was actually losing my mind.

I was becoming someone unrecognizable. 

I was losing my resilience, grit, determination, and passion.

So, I will start over. I will let go. I will accept rebuilding. 

I will be like my little friend and whisper, “it’s ok.”

Because it is. And it will be. 

I will write a new chapter. This one is over. 

**** This is the final poor Jen, post.  Stay tuned for the Part 2 of the Story.  Plot Twist!

A** Kicked!

Wow, the past few weeks have been an ass kicker. I am talking crying on the work commute, hurt heart, empty nesting, stress bomb. And I am doing all things trying to get my head above it.

It is hard when something you think is the perfect fit…..turns out to be a big ol’ flop.

It attacks the mind and heart flooding the messages…well you made a colossal fuck up, you suck, fail a little more, and so on.

It is hard to fight that. It is tiring trying to fight that.

But then you have a brief moment that you hold onto. 

A little boy named Joey, dancing to Old Town Road….

A note from the teenager….

An “I love you”........

And dammit. It sure doesn’t make the ass beating easier, but it doesn’t make you feel the good, the love, and the real.

Am I going to cry on Monday..most likely.

Will I make it out stronger and better..most likely.

(Am I currently planning an escape somewhere…most likely.)

My great grandma Gladys summed it up best, 

This too shall pass….

And it always does. And you always get through it. And you always come out of it.

So, this chapter is for everyone in the arena…getting your ass kicked.

This chapter will pass. 

My Backpack is HEAVY!

 My Backpack is Heavy!

I am not sure, but somehow I have evolved into a fixer…a problem solver. This role has spilled over into all of the life areas. Parent, Coordinator, Daughter, Aunt….

My job seems to be able to take on the problems and develop solutions. Going back to my Assistant Principal days I would tell my students:

“Coming to Ms. Page’s office doesn’t mean you are in trouble. It means we have to be problem solvers together and figure things out. Page’s Problem Solvers.”

It is such a great feeling identifying a need or situation and tackling it with creative solutions. I enjoy that.

Lately, I feel like a band aid. One that is supposed to stop a bleed out. I feel like the ship is sinking and I am using a teaspoon to empty the water.

The problems that need to be solved are hitting me over and over. I don’t have answers.

I do not have any solutions, answers, reasons and it sucks.

My job consists of supporting many elementary schools. I am walking in daily taking all of the problems and shoving them in my backpack. My family has tons going on and after phone calls I pack all of that into the suitcase. I am constantly holding my breath waiting to see what I need to take and pack as a mother.

And damn, this backpack is freaking heavy.

I am adding and adding, but nothing seems to be able to come out of the backpack.

And it is hard.So, so hard.

Someone close to me said, 

I am not your emotional sponge.

That was hard to hear, yet honest and vulnerable. I was using him to make room in my backpack. That isn’t fair. 

Yet, I am having a hard time. Such a hard time, carrying the backpack, climbing the mountain, out of water, blisters on my feet, etc..etc…

And it is so freaking heavy and hard.

But that is what we do, right? The problem solvers carry it, and carry it, and carry it. Our hearts just seem to keep making room. 

So here is to another week..another page…pick up the backpack and trudge on.

I Need What?!

I Need What?!?!?

Talk about a life altering learning moment this week. On Wednesday I was taking a long walk to reset my brain. During these walks I enjoy listening to podcasts. Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us is back from summer break and the episode I chose featured the Gottman’s speaking on the Love Prescription. 

(I love Brene and the Gottman’s. If you have no idea what  I am speaking of please google ASAP.)

Cruising along on my walk and about 15 minutes into listening I am crying. Big, real tears just rolling on down. 

<---Walking, crying, staring at this view

This piece of the cast was on “giving and receiving love.” 

Julie Gottman’s voice, “sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

Pause and rewind right there…

“Sometimes folks have just as hard of a time receiving love as they do giving it.”

These people have gone through life acting as though they have no needs…so when someone suggests you need love your wall gets higher and thicker. 

Julie Gottman, you don’t know me….

How dare you suggest I need love.

Little louder for those in the back…

HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GIVE ME SOMETHING I DO NOT NEED?!

Julie goes on to discuss the feelings that arise when someone suggests they want to give you love because you have been pretty successful at hiding the particular need.

I relistened to that one-minute segment 7 times on my walk. 

That is me, my brain screams to me. 

THAT. IS. ME.

The last 15ish years of my life has been about understanding people. I was a therapist for Pete's sake. Why? Why am I just having this epiphany at 40 years old???

Nothing has worked..failed marriage, sporadic dating, yet my heart has never allowed me to think aloud or believe that I need love. 

I take care of myself, I am independent, I am strong willed, I am resilient.

Despite that I need love?

I need love?

I need it?

No longer a question in my mind.

I need love.

Period.

No longer a question but a statement. 

One I do not yet have the courage to say aloud, but that I am giving permission to sit in my heart and in my brain.

And learning that the  need is ok…

However, terrifying it is to no longer hide.

Yikes…

Here comes a page turner…big chapter..Happy Ending??? (Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves ;)

Looking for a River Bank

 Relationships have been heavy on my mind lately. In particular, thinking about the kind of person I want to share my life with and be in a deep relationship with.

 

I know I am not easy to love. I am independent, inflexible. I tend to have a thick wall up. I need alone time frequently. I love to obsessively talk about work. I can get very bossy.

 

It will take a certain type of man to really be able to break through all the layers and help me love.

 

It is going to take a river bank. 

 

Did I lose you?

 

A river bank supports the flow of the river. While it contains the water it also runs along with the current and flow. It doesn’t direct the river path but rather flows beside it. 

 

I need a river bank.

 

 I need a man who is my biggest cheerleader within my career and education. Someone who can take pride with me.

I need a man who is as strong as an ox. Someone who can look at the weight on my shoulders and offer to carry a little.

 

I need a man who is confident. Someone who is comfortable together and a part.

 

I need a man who has grit. Someone with rough hands who works hard.

 

 I need a man in the ring. Someone who can take the punches of life and still have drive and a some fight.

 

I need a man who is home. Someone who allows me to be myself, feel safe, and become comfortable.

 

I need a river bank.

 

So I am looking. Hiking. Standing in rivers. Ready.

Turning the page to the chapter I am drafting.

Need to Breathe: Banks

I wanna be there when the voices in your head Are loud enough to make you lose your mind Just the same when you're dominating the day I wanna be the one who's by your side You know my love is not the jealous type It doesn't matter if we win or lose I could stay or I could come No matter where you're coming from I could be the one to let you choose I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river You are beautiful and wild at every turn Who am I to take control of that? Everybody needs a voice they can follow When the water and the winds get bad You know my love is not the jealous type And it don't matter if we win or lose I could push or I could pull No matter what you're trying to do As long as I can flow along with you

I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river I'll be the banks for your river Baby, I ain't saying that you need my help But you don't have to do it all by yourself So, baby, when the current gets strong You need somewhere to rest your bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be strong for you, oh, oh, oh I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back Just like the banks to the river And if you ever feel like you are not enough I'm gonna break all your mirrors I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back (I'll be the banks for your river) And if you ever feel like you are not enough (I'll be the banks for your river) I wanna be there when the darkness closes in To make the truth a little clearer I wanna hold you close, but never hold you back I'll be the banks for your river

 Will the Other Shoe Drop?

I am in a really good spot in my life right now. My daughter is doing well, my job is challenging but rewarding, my health is starting to move forward, I am learning to be financially stable, I am emotionally stable.

So why then do I hold my breath? Waiting for something to blow up? Cautious and disbelieving?

I think when you grow up unstable and run into obstacles turn after turn your brain becomes programmed to anticipate the bad. I think you also start to look for ways to self-sabotage the good, to keep looking for something….anything to create havoc in your utopian stage. 

I hate that. I don’t want to do that.  I want to breathe. I want to give up control. I want to soak in the seconds of happiness and bliss.

I want to kick off the shoe that I think might drop and instead prance even dance around barefoot. 

So how then do I reprogram my brain to do just that?

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

To me that can be a bad, bad word. It takes so much to trust. Trusting yourself, others, the cosmos, universe, etc.

If I give up control and just trust, then something is going to happen.

I could get hurt.

I might have to breathe, go with the flow.

I could get hurt.

Over the years I have practiced the art of numb. I have let guards and walls up. I have not opened my heart to trust the journey…trust the process…to see what happens.

Control equates safety. Trust is an unknown.

So, this chapter I am slowly working on that thing. 

Thank big ol’ scary TRUST.

And if the other shoe drops, I guess that means it is time to go shoe shopping!