Hell

 I just got home from spending countless hours...days..in the Emergency Room.

Without going into specific details,  on Tuesday I took my 16  year daughter to the ER. She was in crisis. We were in crisis. 

The hospital is supposed to help. After a mental health evaluation we were told Lauren would be placed in a mental health facility, but because of the time that would happen in the morning. So we waited. We waited in the emergency room. In crisis, we stayed in a partitioned off bed overhearing others being brought in for heart problems, COVID, bladder infections, intoxication, and so much more. (Throw HIPPAA right out the window because we overheard it all)

In the morning we were told that a bed was open in Littleton and we would be transported there! Yay! Help was coming! 

But then...

4 hours later we were told the spot was not longer available and we would wait another day....

Another day in the Emergency Room.. another day with no mental health care or treatment....

The next day rolls around...no beds....

I am told this is a common occurrence. Mental health beds are few and far between. Throw in being a teenager and the number decreases.

In fact a quarter of mental health patients wait 2-5 days in the ER for an in patient psychiatric bed. This increases significantly for children. This is just the average. There have been reports of people waiting a month. A month in the ER for treatment.

If you go to the emergency room for a physical health condition you wait 4 hours on average. 

My daughter summed it up best,

"If my leg were cut off there would be doctors and nurses all over helping me. Since it's my brain I guess no one cares."

The mental health system is hell. It is a living hell.

We wait an average of 12 weeks to see our psychiatrist. When we switched insurance we had to switch Dr.s. Lauren was out of medication for three days. I called and called and called. I was told the only way to get a refill was to go to the ER or a Crisis Walk in Center. 

I am scared to add up the out of pocket costs we have spent on services. Many psychiatrist do not take private insurance. It is about $300 for an initial evaluation and $150-200 for medication reviews. Sometimes Lauren has reviews every 2 weeks.

We have paid $100-200 per therapy session. Lauren currently has therapy weekly.

Specialized treatment groups like DBT..$4000 for the 8-12 weeks.

We have been doing this for almost 10 years. 

Earlier this week there was a school shooting in Oxford, MI. I would make a strong hypothesis that the killer suffers from some sort of mental illness.  I wonder if he needed a medication refill and was in the process of waiting to be seen?

People need help. They are desperate for help. Their actions are a call for help.

The mental health system is hell. It is a living hell.

We got home and the same day I looked up legislation in Colorado for mental health. I emailed both my legislator and senator requesting appointments. I read committee information from recent meetings. I emailed the hospital. I posted on social media. I offered my mental health service Pro Bono. 

I advocated like a Mother.

People deserve better. My daughter deserves better. 

 

Unread

 As she set her keys on the desk her eyes fell on the cover of the book. She had given it as a gift many months before. It was her favorite story and she loved sharing it with others. She picked up the paperback and held it in her hands. As she went to turn to her favorite part she realized the spine had not been creased, the pages never turned. She stared at the book in her hands and felt the tears start to well in her eyes. One escaped and dropped onto the cover.

The emotions swept over her as she realized in a way she was like that book. Her pages had never been read, her story never understood. There wasn't a favorite part with a bookmarked ear to quickly turn back to. No one would take in the words to be soaked in over and over. She felt the crack in her chest as her heart began to break.

It was such a short, beautiful story. So many parts to read and smile over. Parts that broke your heart as you read the lines. The pictures stopped your gaze and made you think. Really, really think deeply about life, love, friendship, innocence, selfishness. It was a tale for everyone who took the time. For everyone who could breathe it in and appreciate. 

"How could anyone be too busy to open this?" She wondered aloud in bewilderment. This gift given out of pure love, hope, kindness. It was tossed on the desk collecting dust.

She was this book. She was this book and it gripped her heart. No one had taken the time to read her pages, inhale her story, listen to words. To really understand the theme, the characters, the plot. They would never understand her heart, her mind, her soul without turning the pages. 

To stories unread and pages never turned.

Can You Hear Me?

 Communication is key....

I have heard that a million times, but man is it ever true. It really, really is the foundation to everything.  This has been a major takeaway this week. How we talk, share, listen, ask questions, etc impacts everything, everywhere. 

Work..people have to be able to get along, while still being open to sharing feelings, asking questions, making requests, listening to feedback.

Parenting...parent and child have to create systems to dialogue about expectations, needs, requests.

Relationships...stating needs, desires, resolving conflict, asking questions.

It is a super complicated thing...and I have spent a lot of money and time in college classes trying to get it right. Yet, I am still on the struggle bus daily. 

So many components to navigate

I feel statements, clarifying questions, pausing, re-framing,  listening, non verbals, warm start ups, tone, body language, eye contact, reflecting...

How on Earth do we get it right????

I guess for me it is a continual work in progress, and if I can ensure that every time I do open my mouth I am speaking from the heart with positive intentions, and support then maybe, just maybe the messages will be heard, listening, and reflected on. 

Hard work, but worth it in order to build up others, present with care, and lead with love. 

Looking for the how-to instructions to write the next page!

I Totally Forgot..

January through March was rough on me.. whew! The amount of tears that fell could have secured water for the desert or something.. Coming into April has been better but I still felt myself teetering. 

This past week was a huge opener. Opener of the heart, mind, eyes, emotions..

It felt like I finally found my mirror and I realized I forgot.

I totally forgot so many things.

I forgot....

I am a good mom. I mean a pretty damn good mom. I have made some huge mistakes, but the momming foundation was built strong and I am seeing it in Lauren, in our conversations, our relationship and our love.

I am a goal catcher. Every thing I work hard for and towards I end up catching.

I am smart. Like not on an Einstein level, but I value education and I use it to fuel my purpose and compassion.

I am beautiful. Thanks to my daughter who reminded me, "mom, you're hot" I realized, damn it, I am. Not in that sultry sexy swimsuit model hot, but in the scrunched eyes, freckled not very intimidating way.

I am a mountain climber. Figuratively and literally. I can tackle the toughest climb, obstacles, and elements.

I am in charge of my emotional bank. I'm the one checking the balance and ensuring it is full.

I have the keys and I am in the driver's seat. Might be the Hot Mess Express, School Bus, Race Car, Soccer Mom Van..I but whatever the mode of transportation..I  am the one navigating the course. 

I hold the map. I am responsible for following the directions, staying on course, taking the detours, not hitting the dead ends.

Thankful I found a mirror and was reminded...

Grateful I remember how these next pages go...

Figured it Out...

Figured it all out..maybe

For a long time I loved The Five Love Languages and thought they were the handbook for successful relationships. However, the other night after a really, really heart wrenching conversation I realized they are only half of it. 

Remember my post on the Emotional Bank? 

I think… the Love Languages help you and your partner navigate the deposits. They help us figure out how to make the other feel loved and appreciated.

However, what about those dang withdrawals???? How in the heck do we know what makes our partners feel the opposite? What brings out the snippy reply or the mad shutdown? How do we know what takes away?

I am not talking about little annoyances like forgetting to put shoes away. I am talking about those times that stab and squeeze your heart! I have struggled with this. I get my feelings hurt and man...it just sucks.. 

What I forgot to do was the perspective taking. In past relationships I have heard I have expectations. My ex-husband asked me over and over, “why do you have such hard and high expectations for the people who love you?”

I never got it. It never, ever clicked. 

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals.

One. More. Time.

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals

I have never shared with any partner.. Hey, this is how I feel loved, AND..hey this really hurts.

Ready for that example?? Stay with me here..

Hey, I feel really connected with you when you leave a note once in a while just saying something nice before you leave for work…

AND

Hey, I get my feelings hurt a ton when you don’t listen and try to jump into fix mode when I am sharing a problem.

See that..deposit.. And withdrawal..?

If I didn’t communicate that with my partner do I just assume that they will read my mind?? Doubtful.. And then what happens is each time I share a rough day or problem my guy is just going to talk about solutions and ideas..I am going to get frustrated..heart hurt..cry.. And boom repeat..

That conflict is going to build because I never set that boundary and provided that insight ahead of time.

SOOOO for future reference.. I am going to self reflect and identify my heavy hitter deposits and withdrawals so I can express those from the get go..

Fingers crossed it helps my heart, my partner, our communication, and our conflict resolution.

Kinda crappy how this revelation comes at the endings, BUT....

It can make the beginnings of the new all the more beautiful.

Onto the next page

Waiting on the ending...

 I was talking to one of my best friends last night and I told her I have this feeling going on that I can't quite identify. My career is going well, my daughter is thriving, all my needs are cared for. I am truly blessed and grateful. 

There is something stirring in my mind and heart though...

I think maybe it's unsettled. 

I am in the beginning stages of yet another move.. rent in the Denver area is crazy and buying a house right now is close to impossible. So Lauren and I are moving to a new area closer to the city..(weird right?) in a very trendy? loft style apartment. It will be fun as we are close to a neat area off from one of my favorite streets. Lauren will be close to the an art museum as well as the light rail. It will be new for both of us as we go into her last two years of high school.

However, my heart is unsettled. It longs for home. Maybe what I really feel is homesick. Not so much for Michigan although I get bouts of that sort of homesickness, but rather homesick for settled. A cozy home. A little place I can paint, decorate, plant flowers in the front yard, lay in my hammock in the back..

Not only a home to be in, but also someone to share it with. I am homesick for that comfort that comes from making dinner and sharing it with your family at an actual table, waking up and drinking a cup of coffee with your partner, sitting on the deck and drinking a glass of wine before bed chatting about our days...

Those feelings of connections, comfort, safety, and finding your home....

Sharing these with my smelly, geriatric pup isn't quite the same. :)

I think my heart is softening and it is ready for that next phase of life... 

Settled and Home.

Waiting to write the final chapters...

The Yellow Hula Hoop

 Today at recess a first grader walked over to me head down, bummed. I squatted down and asked what was up. She explained she really wanted to huly hoop, but there were no more left. As we talked I asked her how we could fix that problem.

"Well, I could probably ask to use one when someone is done or I could take turns." I made an acknowledging nod as she approached the nearest hula hooper. I held my breath fully anticipating the student to say  nope and a mini meltdown to occur. The other first grader instead happily agreed to take turns and immediately gave up her hoop.

Later at my desk I thought about how considerate the child was and how selfless her act was. The more I thought about the recess incident the more I realized that children are naturally selfless. Walk into kindergarten lunch and express how yummy a cookie looks and you will have 6 half eaten cookies thrust in your face. Comment on the awesome Sonic drawing a 4th grader sketches and you will have an exact replicate scrawled with "To Ms. Paige" waiting in your office.

I think children naturally give. 

So what happens?

 Some of the adults most closest in relationships to me are the most selfish. 

They would not share a yellow hula hoop. 

While driving home today this thought snuck up on me and before I realized it I was crying.  Some of the people who know me, love me, and are in my inner circle are really selfish humans. I mean really egocentric, all about me, self absorbed individuals. Wrapping this thought around my mind really squeezes at my heart

I have been on a struggle bus for about three weeks now. Just sort of battling some feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation. It has been a little hard. Stepping back though I have realized much of these feelings are stemming from being on the receiving end of selfishness. 

When do we change? When does our mind shift from "let's take turns" to "this is all mine?"

What kills off our desire to think of others? 

To meet their needs? 

To put our own wants and happy over theirs?

Does it come from:

• Experience
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Heart Break
• Becoming an adult

I am not sure where the breakdown occurs, but man it stinks. 

It sucks to think that those closest to me might not share that damn yellow hula hoop.

And my heart feels squeezed a little bit and a few little tears fall on this page before it is turned.