Can You Hear Me?

 Communication is key....

I have heard that a million times, but man is it ever true. It really, really is the foundation to everything.  This has been a major takeaway this week. How we talk, share, listen, ask questions, etc impacts everything, everywhere. 

Work..people have to be able to get along, while still being open to sharing feelings, asking questions, making requests, listening to feedback.

Parenting...parent and child have to create systems to dialogue about expectations, needs, requests.

Relationships...stating needs, desires, resolving conflict, asking questions.

It is a super complicated thing...and I have spent a lot of money and time in college classes trying to get it right. Yet, I am still on the struggle bus daily. 

So many components to navigate

I feel statements, clarifying questions, pausing, re-framing,  listening, non verbals, warm start ups, tone, body language, eye contact, reflecting...

How on Earth do we get it right????

I guess for me it is a continual work in progress, and if I can ensure that every time I do open my mouth I am speaking from the heart with positive intentions, and support then maybe, just maybe the messages will be heard, listening, and reflected on. 

Hard work, but worth it in order to build up others, present with care, and lead with love. 

Looking for the how-to instructions to write the next page!

I Totally Forgot..

January through March was rough on me.. whew! The amount of tears that fell could have secured water for the desert or something.. Coming into April has been better but I still felt myself teetering. 

This past week was a huge opener. Opener of the heart, mind, eyes, emotions..

It felt like I finally found my mirror and I realized I forgot.

I totally forgot so many things.

I forgot....

I am a good mom. I mean a pretty damn good mom. I have made some huge mistakes, but the momming foundation was built strong and I am seeing it in Lauren, in our conversations, our relationship and our love.

I am a goal catcher. Every thing I work hard for and towards I end up catching.

I am smart. Like not on an Einstein level, but I value education and I use it to fuel my purpose and compassion.

I am beautiful. Thanks to my daughter who reminded me, "mom, you're hot" I realized, damn it, I am. Not in that sultry sexy swimsuit model hot, but in the scrunched eyes, freckled not very intimidating way.

I am a mountain climber. Figuratively and literally. I can tackle the toughest climb, obstacles, and elements.

I am in charge of my emotional bank. I'm the one checking the balance and ensuring it is full.

I have the keys and I am in the driver's seat. Might be the Hot Mess Express, School Bus, Race Car, Soccer Mom Van..I but whatever the mode of transportation..I  am the one navigating the course. 

I hold the map. I am responsible for following the directions, staying on course, taking the detours, not hitting the dead ends.

Thankful I found a mirror and was reminded...

Grateful I remember how these next pages go...

Figured it Out...

Figured it all out..maybe

For a long time I loved The Five Love Languages and thought they were the handbook for successful relationships. However, the other night after a really, really heart wrenching conversation I realized they are only half of it. 

Remember my post on the Emotional Bank? 

I think… the Love Languages help you and your partner navigate the deposits. They help us figure out how to make the other feel loved and appreciated.

However, what about those dang withdrawals???? How in the heck do we know what makes our partners feel the opposite? What brings out the snippy reply or the mad shutdown? How do we know what takes away?

I am not talking about little annoyances like forgetting to put shoes away. I am talking about those times that stab and squeeze your heart! I have struggled with this. I get my feelings hurt and man...it just sucks.. 

What I forgot to do was the perspective taking. In past relationships I have heard I have expectations. My ex-husband asked me over and over, “why do you have such hard and high expectations for the people who love you?”

I never got it. It never, ever clicked. 

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals.

One. More. Time.

They are not expectations.. They are withdrawals

I have never shared with any partner.. Hey, this is how I feel loved, AND..hey this really hurts.

Ready for that example?? Stay with me here..

Hey, I feel really connected with you when you leave a note once in a while just saying something nice before you leave for work…

AND

Hey, I get my feelings hurt a ton when you don’t listen and try to jump into fix mode when I am sharing a problem.

See that..deposit.. And withdrawal..?

If I didn’t communicate that with my partner do I just assume that they will read my mind?? Doubtful.. And then what happens is each time I share a rough day or problem my guy is just going to talk about solutions and ideas..I am going to get frustrated..heart hurt..cry.. And boom repeat..

That conflict is going to build because I never set that boundary and provided that insight ahead of time.

SOOOO for future reference.. I am going to self reflect and identify my heavy hitter deposits and withdrawals so I can express those from the get go..

Fingers crossed it helps my heart, my partner, our communication, and our conflict resolution.

Kinda crappy how this revelation comes at the endings, BUT....

It can make the beginnings of the new all the more beautiful.

Onto the next page

Waiting on the ending...

 I was talking to one of my best friends last night and I told her I have this feeling going on that I can't quite identify. My career is going well, my daughter is thriving, all my needs are cared for. I am truly blessed and grateful. 

There is something stirring in my mind and heart though...

I think maybe it's unsettled. 

I am in the beginning stages of yet another move.. rent in the Denver area is crazy and buying a house right now is close to impossible. So Lauren and I are moving to a new area closer to the city..(weird right?) in a very trendy? loft style apartment. It will be fun as we are close to a neat area off from one of my favorite streets. Lauren will be close to the an art museum as well as the light rail. It will be new for both of us as we go into her last two years of high school.

However, my heart is unsettled. It longs for home. Maybe what I really feel is homesick. Not so much for Michigan although I get bouts of that sort of homesickness, but rather homesick for settled. A cozy home. A little place I can paint, decorate, plant flowers in the front yard, lay in my hammock in the back..

Not only a home to be in, but also someone to share it with. I am homesick for that comfort that comes from making dinner and sharing it with your family at an actual table, waking up and drinking a cup of coffee with your partner, sitting on the deck and drinking a glass of wine before bed chatting about our days...

Those feelings of connections, comfort, safety, and finding your home....

Sharing these with my smelly, geriatric pup isn't quite the same. :)

I think my heart is softening and it is ready for that next phase of life... 

Settled and Home.

Waiting to write the final chapters...

The Yellow Hula Hoop

 Today at recess a first grader walked over to me head down, bummed. I squatted down and asked what was up. She explained she really wanted to huly hoop, but there were no more left. As we talked I asked her how we could fix that problem.

"Well, I could probably ask to use one when someone is done or I could take turns." I made an acknowledging nod as she approached the nearest hula hooper. I held my breath fully anticipating the student to say  nope and a mini meltdown to occur. The other first grader instead happily agreed to take turns and immediately gave up her hoop.

Later at my desk I thought about how considerate the child was and how selfless her act was. The more I thought about the recess incident the more I realized that children are naturally selfless. Walk into kindergarten lunch and express how yummy a cookie looks and you will have 6 half eaten cookies thrust in your face. Comment on the awesome Sonic drawing a 4th grader sketches and you will have an exact replicate scrawled with "To Ms. Paige" waiting in your office.

I think children naturally give. 

So what happens?

 Some of the adults most closest in relationships to me are the most selfish. 

They would not share a yellow hula hoop. 

While driving home today this thought snuck up on me and before I realized it I was crying.  Some of the people who know me, love me, and are in my inner circle are really selfish humans. I mean really egocentric, all about me, self absorbed individuals. Wrapping this thought around my mind really squeezes at my heart

I have been on a struggle bus for about three weeks now. Just sort of battling some feelings of loneliness, sadness, isolation. It has been a little hard. Stepping back though I have realized much of these feelings are stemming from being on the receiving end of selfishness. 

When do we change? When does our mind shift from "let's take turns" to "this is all mine?"

What kills off our desire to think of others? 

To meet their needs? 

To put our own wants and happy over theirs?

Does it come from:

• Experience
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Heart Break
• Becoming an adult

I am not sure where the breakdown occurs, but man it stinks. 

It sucks to think that those closest to me might not share that damn yellow hula hoop.

And my heart feels squeezed a little bit and a few little tears fall on this page before it is turned.

The professor of all lessons

 

Oh man.. 

I messed up..messed up big time.. and now the lesson is unrolling in front of me.

I am used to being independent..strong...self reliant...resilient...carrying it all. And I thought that was my best feature. I thought this was such an awesome trait. I can do it all... I'm Wonder Woman's cousin. 

Hear me out... it is good to be strong and have independence but it is also good to soften..to let someone in..to learn to let go.

I did not do that. I held tighter, I dug in, I pushed away. I lost it. 

And now I am making connections..deep...intense..hard to stomach connections. 

AND IT SUCKS.

I have self diagnosed myself with a little thing called..

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Issues..

I am a LCSW..I can self diagnosis... not sure if I can self treat though..

Soooooo....basically here is what I figured out..

Intimate relationships in my life go through a cycle:

Seek out a relationship----get into a groove---

get feelings---get freaked out--withdraw

Some toxic traits I have exhibited without even realizing it..

• I have a hard time forgiving when my feelings have been hurt
• I don't want to really talk about my feelings
• I don't want to be around a partner when I am upset
• I want to be close, but don't want my feelings hurt
• I keep emotions to myself and rely only on me
• I get easily disappointed in my partner
• I intentionally distance myself when I feel start to catch the feelings

I could go on and on about all the unhealthiness. I have legit done these things in every relationship.

 And in  the past this cycle and these traits weren't really a concern because I was never fully invested. Walls were still up and I was one foot in and one out.

This fall though someone waltzed..well actually hiked right in. And my heart..my heart found this home. 

You can probably see where this is headed..

My rinse and repeat cycle showed up. 

And I watched this man take my key off his ring and walk right out of my apartment, my life....my heart. 

Oh man..oh maaaannnn it sucks. 

Early in our relationship I looked at him and said, "I hope you are not a life lesson."

He was the professor of all lessons. 

And it hurts. Hurts so much that tears spring up and I have to grab a pen and write out a quick affirmation because this pain.. it is intense. It hurts. 

It hurts so damn much.

So instead of turning the page I am spending some time re-reading.. really re-reading, taking notes, and learning..this was a tough chapter.

Deposits of Love

 

I came across the story about that tree and the little boy...where the tree gives and gives and gives. It made me think.

I know I give. 

I give every day at work. I give my heart, my time, my love. I dedicate my 110% into what I do. I love it. It can be exhausting and draining at times, but I feel like the more I give to my career and those in it the more it gives me. I receive the smiles, the appreciation, the changes, the growth. It becomes this balance of giving and receiving.

I give every day to my daughter.  I give her my entire being, my energy, my hopes, my love. Damn, this is a hard one. There are days when you feel like you are giving everything in your being and it is emptying you. The deposits back are sometimes slow and fleeting. However, there are moments where you get a text or a smile, a comment, observation, and it makes your heart overflow. It reminds you that the giving can be exhausting, but your child and your connection makes it worth it.

I give to friendships, relationships..a brief check in.. a text..phone call. I love these people. I try to find ways to connect. They check in, ask how I am doing, care about Lauren (and Marla!). These relationships give me those little hugs..pats on the back..encouragements...that remind me I am loved, cared about, and important.

I listened to a podcast recently referring to Gottman's idea of The Emotional Bank Account. Ideas behind this suggest that positive interactions are deposits into our account while negative interactions are withdrawals. The suggestion for balance is that there should be a 5:1 ratio of deposits to withdrawals.

The idea made me reflect and think about where I continue to give. Places that I make deposit after deposit only to find that these places are over-drafting me. These overdrafts are exhausting me. They are literally emptying my Emotional Bank Account. 

It has made me ask myself, 

"why I am so willing to give and deposit to things, relationships, activities that only take from me?"

I will be 39 (yikes) in  a few weeks. As I begin to think about goals for the next year I have decided to begin to unsubscribe to the things that are continually taking. To only invest in the things that create deposits. As I accept this I realize that by doing so I have more..more to give to my work, daughter, and relationships that give to me too.

Turning the page....

Landing on the ledger of my bank account. 

I have a feeling I will see it overflowing this year.. man, I am going to be so rich. :)

#Millionaireinlovedeposits